This is a confession and an apology. You see, I'm now the father figure in a family that fits me like a glove. We're meant to be together. The biggest problem is that I tend to see the things in those closest to me that I despise in myself. I'm guilty of poking fun at things that happen around me and laughing at the negatives without taking the time to point out the good things. I'm ashamed to admit it, but Jackie reminded me of that tonight. This is my small attempt to set that right.
J~ You'll be nineteen soon and you're being expected to act like an adult when you haven't properly been taught what that means. You've got enough heart to bring everyone around you to their knees. You smile and laugh when most people I've known would be running away as fast as they could. You love with reckless abandon even though you have every reason to be more jaded, cynical and paranoid than I am... on a daily basis, it seems. Don't ever lose your ability to care for your friends and family and you'll be a better person for it. I lose my patience because I have faith in who you are and I want you to be happy. I love you. Please forgive me.
M~ One of the first things your mother told me about you is that you've always seemed to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I think she's right. The amazing thing is that you find goodness and joy everywhere you look. Even though you're so angry you still forgive and learn from the pain you feel. You have strength and determination that will make your wildest dreams possible. Reach for the stars... because if anyone I know can, you can. I love you. Please forgive me.
B~ Everyone jokes that you look and act like me. We laugh about it but secretly it's the most incredible complement I've ever been paid. You smile and it wipes all the tears away. Because you're the youngest you get teased the most but you never seem to let that get you down. That's more amazing than you'll ever know. You have a passionate, wide-eyed innocence that doesn't seem like it will ever go away. And I don't think it will because I think deep inside you're smarter, wiser and stronger than anyone realizes. Think for yourself, love for no reason and experience life for everything it promises. Out of all of us, you constantly teach us more than we teach you and help us find our way when we get lost. I love you. Please forgive me.
Well, the most poignant apology is for Jackie. It's also the most simple. Please don't ever stop expecting me to be a better person. If you ever did I'd know that I had lost you forever. I love you. Please forgive me.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Who died and left me blogging?
I'm a dad... father, parent, paternal role-model, masculine guardian. Ah, heck, who am I kidding? I'm in over my head. Jackie's had almost nineteen years practice being a parent. I've been here for eight months and I think my sanity is somewhere between the soda stains in the carpet and the unexplainable holes in the kids' bedroom door. How do single parents manage this madness without drooling into emesis basins for the rest of their lives? Honestly. How do you explain to a nine year old that it's not okay to hold the kitten while she eats breakfast? Or explain to a thirteen year old why she shouldn't be watching scary movies at midnight and keeping her little sister awake? Or, better still, try and tell the eighteen year old that her boyfriend needs, at least, four or five hours of sleep before he goes to work for twelve hours?
I'm not looking for sympathy, here, I'm looking for answers. I know that being a parent is a daily effort to deal with even the most obvious tasks. I'm fully aware that no one is an expert at being a parent. How can anyone be an expert when kids are individuals that are unpredictable, irrational and subject to change without notice? Every day I am challenged in so many ways. I need to have a PhD in every major science. For example...
Psychology: The thirteen year old goes to see The Grudge with her best friend, who's seventeen, and now can't sleep without the light on. It wouldn't be so much of a problem if the nine year old, who sleeps in the same room, didn't have a problem with the light. Now we have to find a way to explain to the thirteen year old that it's just a movie and that the moewing she hears outside her bedroom door is just the kitten feeling lonely and not the disembodied spirit of a murder victim trying to get in and suck out her soul.
Sociology: I live in a house full of women. I never understood, before, how important it is to establish the absolute ownership and subsequent rights to an article of clothing. I have been witness to the fury that borrowing a pair of shoes or a t-shirt without asking can cause. It's like watching Israel and Palestine fight over the Gaza Strip. The item was originally owned by one but given to the other because it, apparently, didn't fit. Now the original owner claims that it was merely a loan and wants it returned. However, there's a dispute because the borrower loaned another article to the original owner that was damaged during the rental period. This starts a "tit for tat" exchange that escalates into one trying to intentionally prevent the other from getting their item back by causing damage to something else they own. Eventually, all items involved become unusable by anyone and the real bloodshed begins with shouts of "I hate you" and "That's not fair!" About that time the UM (United Mom) shows up to mediate and put both parties on notice.
Mathematics: We have three computers but only two seem to be fast enough and powerful enough to satisfy the advanced users living here. This one is entirely my fault, I'll admit. I'm an übergeek and brought with me the knowledge and resources to set up a wireless network on the DSL, resurrect an old 400 Mhz laptop and keep everything working. However, the mathematical problem is this. We have two computers that all five users want access to. Jackie and I both need to work on our computers during the day while the kids do their school work. Except that we have them using an online math system that cuts into that time. Now, the actual time that the other three users demand is limited to the evening hours. However, one computer doesn't currently have speakers so can't be used for the games that they want to run. We also have to add the eighteen year old's boyfriend who doesn't have a working monitor at home, at the moment, and needs to check his e-mail. That means that 2x - 1x * 6h = 2p + 3y + 1b. So, if you want to solve for h the solution is, uh, eliminating the unknown variable, er, power outage, um, 1y is grounded this week, eh, bedtime, oh hell... I think I have some sticks and rocks to play with.
Engineering: You'd think that three kids would be able to organize their wardrobes and possessions into two dressers, two shelving units, one closet, a bathroom and a linen cabinet without too much inter-mingling and the loss of items, wouldn't you? Oh no, every time the forced purging, cleaning and organizing process begins items once thought irrevocably lost are found and fought over. The lines of occupation and possession have to be redrawn, argued about and brought before the zoning commission, otherwise known as Mom and Jodie. We then have to remind them who owns what, where it goes, why it shouldn't be left in the bathtub or the middle of the living room and find out who borrowed it and left it on the floor where one of the cats used it instead of the litter box.
I don't know why these things aren't required study for anyone having kids. We have to be security, social services, financial consultants, educational administrators, medical personnel, fashion police, nutrition experts, behavioral counselors and a host of other roles that not one of us is qualified to get a job doing out in the world at large. But here, in our private domain, we're kings and queens, dictators that have to learn to rule with compassion and constantly admit that we're out of our league, out of our minds and crazy enough to keep doing it, every day.
They're going to read this, eventually, so I just want to say, "I love you, girls, each one of you, and you make my life worthwhile. Now stop sticking your tongue out at your sister and be nice."
I'm not looking for sympathy, here, I'm looking for answers. I know that being a parent is a daily effort to deal with even the most obvious tasks. I'm fully aware that no one is an expert at being a parent. How can anyone be an expert when kids are individuals that are unpredictable, irrational and subject to change without notice? Every day I am challenged in so many ways. I need to have a PhD in every major science. For example...
Psychology: The thirteen year old goes to see The Grudge with her best friend, who's seventeen, and now can't sleep without the light on. It wouldn't be so much of a problem if the nine year old, who sleeps in the same room, didn't have a problem with the light. Now we have to find a way to explain to the thirteen year old that it's just a movie and that the moewing she hears outside her bedroom door is just the kitten feeling lonely and not the disembodied spirit of a murder victim trying to get in and suck out her soul.
Sociology: I live in a house full of women. I never understood, before, how important it is to establish the absolute ownership and subsequent rights to an article of clothing. I have been witness to the fury that borrowing a pair of shoes or a t-shirt without asking can cause. It's like watching Israel and Palestine fight over the Gaza Strip. The item was originally owned by one but given to the other because it, apparently, didn't fit. Now the original owner claims that it was merely a loan and wants it returned. However, there's a dispute because the borrower loaned another article to the original owner that was damaged during the rental period. This starts a "tit for tat" exchange that escalates into one trying to intentionally prevent the other from getting their item back by causing damage to something else they own. Eventually, all items involved become unusable by anyone and the real bloodshed begins with shouts of "I hate you" and "That's not fair!" About that time the UM (United Mom) shows up to mediate and put both parties on notice.
Mathematics: We have three computers but only two seem to be fast enough and powerful enough to satisfy the advanced users living here. This one is entirely my fault, I'll admit. I'm an übergeek and brought with me the knowledge and resources to set up a wireless network on the DSL, resurrect an old 400 Mhz laptop and keep everything working. However, the mathematical problem is this. We have two computers that all five users want access to. Jackie and I both need to work on our computers during the day while the kids do their school work. Except that we have them using an online math system that cuts into that time. Now, the actual time that the other three users demand is limited to the evening hours. However, one computer doesn't currently have speakers so can't be used for the games that they want to run. We also have to add the eighteen year old's boyfriend who doesn't have a working monitor at home, at the moment, and needs to check his e-mail. That means that 2x - 1x * 6h = 2p + 3y + 1b. So, if you want to solve for h the solution is, uh, eliminating the unknown variable, er, power outage, um, 1y is grounded this week, eh, bedtime, oh hell... I think I have some sticks and rocks to play with.
Engineering: You'd think that three kids would be able to organize their wardrobes and possessions into two dressers, two shelving units, one closet, a bathroom and a linen cabinet without too much inter-mingling and the loss of items, wouldn't you? Oh no, every time the forced purging, cleaning and organizing process begins items once thought irrevocably lost are found and fought over. The lines of occupation and possession have to be redrawn, argued about and brought before the zoning commission, otherwise known as Mom and Jodie. We then have to remind them who owns what, where it goes, why it shouldn't be left in the bathtub or the middle of the living room and find out who borrowed it and left it on the floor where one of the cats used it instead of the litter box.
I don't know why these things aren't required study for anyone having kids. We have to be security, social services, financial consultants, educational administrators, medical personnel, fashion police, nutrition experts, behavioral counselors and a host of other roles that not one of us is qualified to get a job doing out in the world at large. But here, in our private domain, we're kings and queens, dictators that have to learn to rule with compassion and constantly admit that we're out of our league, out of our minds and crazy enough to keep doing it, every day.
They're going to read this, eventually, so I just want to say, "I love you, girls, each one of you, and you make my life worthwhile. Now stop sticking your tongue out at your sister and be nice."
Monday, November 08, 2004
Mercy General Blog.
Bless me reader for I have sinned. It's been WAY too long since my last confession. Okay, okay, I know that it's not the confessional but I've been overwhelmed with so much since the last time I blogged that I feel guilty. See, not too long after I wrote that last entry Jackie started having blackouts. Not your normal "I feel light-headed" then faint kind of blackouts. Oh no. She would be fine, one minute, and the next her eyes would start to close, her head would fall forward on her chest and she wouldn't respond to anything or move. The crazy thing is she was able to hear me, just not respond. It scared the hell out of me.
We ended up at the emergency room on Friday, October 29th. That was a fun day. Excuse me while I have my tongue extracted from my cheek. The medical profession freely admits that it's not an exact science and that they don't quite know "everything," yet. However, what they aren't admitting is that the entire profession seems to be populated by some of the most cynical, paranoid and neurotic people on the planet. I mean seriously!!! We met some really cool nurses during our twelve hour stay in the hallway of the emergency ward. Yes, TWELVE HOURS IN THE HALLWAY. Proof that the so-called epidemic they keep talking about is very real and moving towards crisis. It almost makes your heart break when the doctors can't afford to park their BMW in the handicapped space next to the fishing boat the pharmaceutical company bought them.
Let me explain something about Jackie and me. We don't like taking prescription medications unless it's necessary. Not for any overly dramatic reason, and we don't preach abstinence to others, it's just a personal choice. We've both cut out a lot of prescriptions for various health problems we suffer from by educating ourselves about natural supplements. It's working for both of us. However, the doctors don't see it that way. Once they found out that Jackie doesn't take the prescription medications that were recommended they assume that her condition was stress and merely psychosomatic. Jackie spent five days in the hospital and went through a whole battery of tests. Blood work (including an acetylcholine panel), CT scan, X-Rays, EKG, EEG... oh, and several requests to see if she wanted to talk to the hospital psychiatrist. All so the doctors could shrug their shoulders and say they can't find anything wrong with her. Not without scaring the crap out of us, first.
Oh, they suggested everything from cancer to AIDS. They tested her for fibromyalgia, negative, myasthenia gravis, negative, transient ischaemic attacks (TIAs) also called mini-strokes, negative, Lupus, negative... now we're still waiting for the results of the EEG to find out if she's got some form of epilepsy or some other seizure disorder. We also need to find out if she's got multiple sclerosis (MS). And the ride continues.
Not one answer, nothing. They don't have a clue. So that means that Jackie's insurance company is going to be charged thousands of dollars so that a bunch of people can say, "We think she's faking it." Does that seem right to you? You either get an answer, and possibly a cure, or zilch. I know somewhere else where that happens. It's called Las Vegas. Really, if you think about it they're a lot alike, but in a lot of ways Vegas is much better.. In fact, this episode's top ten is all about it.
The Top Ten Reasons Las Vegas Is Better Than The Hospital:
10. In Vegas if you spend enough money they'll give you extra stuff for free. At the hospital they charge you for every inch of toilet paper and bandage.
9. In Las Vegas you can catch a show, a lucky break or maybe a new romance that will make you want to stay. The stuff you can catch in the hospital will get you a an extended stay whether you like it or not.
8. In Vegas it's all you can eat. At the hospital it's cold cafeteria food they can't serve in schools any more.
7. In Vegas they make your bed and clean your room daily if you want them to. The hospital doesn't even offer a "do not disturb" sign.
6. In Vegas you can stay up all night and sleep all day. In the hospital, they wake you up every fifteen minutes, twenty-four/seven.
5. In Vegas they have cocktail waitresses. The hospital has a medication cart. (Okay, some people may think that one's a toss-up)
4. Vegas has flashing lights and musical beeps to tell you if you're a winner. At the hospital if there are that many lights and beeps you're in cardiac arrest.
3. In Vegas every room comes with a mini-bar stocked full of items to imbibe or ingest. In the hospital that little cabinet is stocked full of items no one wants in their body.
2. In Vegas you can lose your shirt at the tables. In the hospital you're already half naked before they make you lie down on the table and pump you full of radiation.
and the number one reason Las Vegas is better than the hospital:
1. In Vegas you get a floor show with naked women dancing. At the hospital it's old people in those cute little gowns that open in the back.
Have a great week, everyone.
We ended up at the emergency room on Friday, October 29th. That was a fun day. Excuse me while I have my tongue extracted from my cheek. The medical profession freely admits that it's not an exact science and that they don't quite know "everything," yet. However, what they aren't admitting is that the entire profession seems to be populated by some of the most cynical, paranoid and neurotic people on the planet. I mean seriously!!! We met some really cool nurses during our twelve hour stay in the hallway of the emergency ward. Yes, TWELVE HOURS IN THE HALLWAY. Proof that the so-called epidemic they keep talking about is very real and moving towards crisis. It almost makes your heart break when the doctors can't afford to park their BMW in the handicapped space next to the fishing boat the pharmaceutical company bought them.
Let me explain something about Jackie and me. We don't like taking prescription medications unless it's necessary. Not for any overly dramatic reason, and we don't preach abstinence to others, it's just a personal choice. We've both cut out a lot of prescriptions for various health problems we suffer from by educating ourselves about natural supplements. It's working for both of us. However, the doctors don't see it that way. Once they found out that Jackie doesn't take the prescription medications that were recommended they assume that her condition was stress and merely psychosomatic. Jackie spent five days in the hospital and went through a whole battery of tests. Blood work (including an acetylcholine panel), CT scan, X-Rays, EKG, EEG... oh, and several requests to see if she wanted to talk to the hospital psychiatrist. All so the doctors could shrug their shoulders and say they can't find anything wrong with her. Not without scaring the crap out of us, first.
Oh, they suggested everything from cancer to AIDS. They tested her for fibromyalgia, negative, myasthenia gravis, negative, transient ischaemic attacks (TIAs) also called mini-strokes, negative, Lupus, negative... now we're still waiting for the results of the EEG to find out if she's got some form of epilepsy or some other seizure disorder. We also need to find out if she's got multiple sclerosis (MS). And the ride continues.
Not one answer, nothing. They don't have a clue. So that means that Jackie's insurance company is going to be charged thousands of dollars so that a bunch of people can say, "We think she's faking it." Does that seem right to you? You either get an answer, and possibly a cure, or zilch. I know somewhere else where that happens. It's called Las Vegas. Really, if you think about it they're a lot alike, but in a lot of ways Vegas is much better.. In fact, this episode's top ten is all about it.
The Top Ten Reasons Las Vegas Is Better Than The Hospital:
10. In Vegas if you spend enough money they'll give you extra stuff for free. At the hospital they charge you for every inch of toilet paper and bandage.
9. In Las Vegas you can catch a show, a lucky break or maybe a new romance that will make you want to stay. The stuff you can catch in the hospital will get you a an extended stay whether you like it or not.
8. In Vegas it's all you can eat. At the hospital it's cold cafeteria food they can't serve in schools any more.
7. In Vegas they make your bed and clean your room daily if you want them to. The hospital doesn't even offer a "do not disturb" sign.
6. In Vegas you can stay up all night and sleep all day. In the hospital, they wake you up every fifteen minutes, twenty-four/seven.
5. In Vegas they have cocktail waitresses. The hospital has a medication cart. (Okay, some people may think that one's a toss-up)
4. Vegas has flashing lights and musical beeps to tell you if you're a winner. At the hospital if there are that many lights and beeps you're in cardiac arrest.
3. In Vegas every room comes with a mini-bar stocked full of items to imbibe or ingest. In the hospital that little cabinet is stocked full of items no one wants in their body.
2. In Vegas you can lose your shirt at the tables. In the hospital you're already half naked before they make you lie down on the table and pump you full of radiation.
and the number one reason Las Vegas is better than the hospital:
1. In Vegas you get a floor show with naked women dancing. At the hospital it's old people in those cute little gowns that open in the back.
Have a great week, everyone.
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