The final, abridged blog of Mediocre Man!

The largest ancient cultures built enormous empires around the concepts of honor and maintaining the respect of ones' community. The Japanese took that to the extreme and imposed the harshest penalties on themselves when faced with the prospect of living with dishonor. On days like today, I'm glad that I wasn't born in Japan... especially ancient Japan. Although, I may have been. The celestial jury is still out on that one.

I started writing a long blog that was more of an exercise in feeling sorry for myself than the blunt confession that I'd intended it to be. In the interest of "saving face," and also to prevent me from feeling like hari-kari is my only option, it's been scrapped for a kinder, gentler, sillier blog. We can all breathe a little easier. Go ahead. BREATHE, DAMMIT!

It ticks Jackie off when I do this, but Dictionary.com defines Depression as...

de·pres·sion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-prshn) n.

1. The act of depressing.
   
2. The condition of being depressed.
   
3. An area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow.
   
4. The condition of feeling sad or despondent.
   
5. Psychology. A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.
   
6. A reduction in activity or force.
   
7. A reduction in physiological vigor or activity: a depression in respiration.
   
8. A lowering in amount, degree, or position.
   
9. Economics. A period of drastic decline in a national or international economy, characterized by decreasing business activity, falling prices, and unemployment.
   
10. Meteorology. A region of low barometric pressure.
    
11. The angular distance below the horizontal plane through the point of observation.
    
12. Astronomy. The angular distance of a celestial body below the horizon.

Now, which one of those definitions sounds like fun? Hmm? Yeah, this is the first time I've ever even SEEN the word anhedonia, too. Actually, that one sounds like a cleaning product, more than "the absence of pleasure or the ability to experience it." Isn't that usually called death?

Every single one of us, from time to time, gets a little tired and apathetic. Life has a way of wearing you down to the point that even getting out of bed at night to go to the bathroom is cripplingly overwhelming. No, I'm not suggesting that peeing at three o'clock in the morning has brought me to tears. Uh, wait... nope, haven't done that one, yet. It's just that without a sense of humor people find it difficult to accomplish even the most menial of tasks. Getting out of bed to evacuate your bladder is only one example. This week the top ten is a list of things that could overwhelm even the most stalwart soul.

Top Ten Things That Overwhelm Mere Mortals:

10) Applying for a new Social Security card. FDR created a benevolent organization that moderbureaucracycy has placed in the Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road. There's no place like home, there's no place like...

9) Balancing a budget. I took a bookkeeping class in High School and was told that balancing any budget was simply the steadfast entry of every credit and debit in order to track spending and predict future trends. Horse hockey! Even the federal government freely admits that it's all smoke and mirrors combined with clever marketing. Let me clue you in on a little secret. In Monopoly, the banker always wins.

8) One word: Politics. In ancient Rome the governing officials entertained themselves, and their subjects, by throwing slaves and selected enemies into large arenas to fight to the death. Today, the slaves and enemies are throwing the officials into the gladiator-esque arena of the modern media. Sometimes I think the Romans were far more civilized.

7) Socks in the dryer. Physics can harness the power of the atom but it can't explain why a pair of socks enters a machine with only one door and only one makes it back out again. How many of us still sit and stare at the pile of unmatched orphans and wonders, "Where do they go?" It's possible that some brilliant scientist actually found the answer to that question but it's far too terrifying to ever share with the public. Or that's how they got all those features crammed into your new cell phone...

6) The phone book. Think hard on this one, folks. How many times have you been faced with a simple task like where to get dinner when you don't want to cook and then looked at that giant phone book under the phone? Like most of us, that desire to find the perfect local bistro is suddenly replaced with the rationalization, "McDonald's really isn't all that bad."

5) Owner's manuals. I have yet to meet someone who writes these things for a living. I'm beginning to think that maybe they don't exist. Or, more likely, they don't ever see the light of day. It's far easier to believe that these torturous works of non-fiction are simply the by-product of a desperate inventor's deal with the devil. That's right. Owner's manuals are actually the gateway to hell. Now you know why they must be avoided at all costs.

4) The freeway. I once worked with a man whom I considered to be one of the toughest people I'd ever met. He wasn't bitter, just hardened. The kind of man who'd been in the military during wartime, lived a very hard life and had done and seen things that would make most people curl into a fetal position and suck their thumbs. You know, tough. This same man, when faced with the prospect of taking the freeway suddenly turned into a giant wishy-washy, coward that made Woody Allen look butch. Of course, if I'd ever personally pointed that out to him I'm sure that he would have crushed me like a bug. Isn't the internet wonderful???

3) The pediatrician's office. I have seen the opposite of number four happen to small children when faced with the possibility that they have to go to the doctor. Children, who normally will cry like frightened animals when they are kept at the dinner table and told to eat their spinach, suddenly are willing to silently limp around on half severed limbs in order to avoid getting a shot or face the scary, East German women's wrestling champion with the tongue depressor.

2) Family gatherings. We all know how it feels. Someone in your family has a birthday, anniversary or other celebratory event and it sounds like something worth planning a large gala for until the responsibility for said affair becomes yoursBelugaga caviar at the Ritz turns into pigs in a blanket at the community rec center. Remember this the next time you're listening to cousin Nunzio tell you about his bunion surgery while chewing on canned dough wrapped weenie goodness.

and the number one thing that overwhelms mere mortals:

1) The DMV. I don't even think I need to explain this one. I'm still clueless as to how the people who work there show up every day. The mere contemplation of spending an afternoon being ushered through nothing more than an indoor cattle run makes me wonder why every facility doesn't have a smoky lounge right next to a non-denominational chapel.

Hope you have a great week, all. I have two quotes this week, from the same brilliant man, for all of you who have read my entries in the past and wondered why I put myself through this every week.

"Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly, even if they roll a few stones upon it."

"Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation."

~ Albert Schweitzer

Atlas blogged...

A very close friend of mine called me this week because I told her how overwhelmingly depressed I've been. I'm too ashamed to share the details of how bad here, but it was bad. She consoled and encouraged me and we laughed and cried. Then the subject of the world today came up and she said, "Sure, Katrina, the war in Iraq, starving children in every corner of the world. That's your fault, isn't it?" I laughed with her and then said, "Atlas, I'm not." Since that conversation I've begun to realize that I've been trying to actually be the mythical son of Clymene and Iapetus, in my own way. My world became a heavy, oppressive thing and I was setting it squarely on my shoulders and mourning my fate. I used be able to physically lift more than I can now but mere exercise won't help me with this burden.

It's a glass half full, half empty perception. It's truly up to each of us to get the most from what we've been given. I can either look outside at the trees just outside my apartment and see them as selfishly growing leaves to soak up as much sun as possible or as beautiful boughs of green that provide me shelter from the hot sun. Even water can be a fearful and overwhelming element in which to drown or a sweet, cool resource that I can use to fill my glass, and my body, with what I need.

Life brings with it the fears all of us experience from moment to moment, from the cradle to the grave. However, change one tiny perception and it's possible to see life as something to provide us with the very reasons to make the journey, put one foot in front of the other and celebrate the joy of squeezing every last drop from every day simply because it's worth the risk, worth the effort.

Atlas himself saw his sentence of supporting the heavens as a prison that he would forever wish to escape from. Instead, he could have realized that what he was actually doing was holding onto the biggest box of blessings that anyone had ever been given. By placing him in that position Zeus had actually shown Atlas that he was up to the task of keeping the Earth safely on his shoulders. Zeus, instead of killing Atlas for his crimes, mercifully gave him the chance to learn from his mistake and become better.

I'm not suggesting delusion, by any means. Like the movie "Life Is Beautiful" that shows how people can sometimes be put in the worst possible situations imaginable and simply pretend that the world is perfect. On the contrary, every wound is a chance to experience healing. Every obstacle is an opportunity to know ourselves a little better and see just how much good we're capable of. Is it, as Voltaire said, "the best of all possible worlds?" No, hell no. Do I honestly believe that it can be? Yes, I do. All it takes is a miniscule amount of faith, hope and the will to make a difference. Then even the biggest disaster of all time becomes yet another chance to grow, learn, and raise the vibrations of the entire world.

Yes, Katrina was a terrible storm and the citizens of New Orleans have suffered in the devastating aftermath. But, it makes my heart so glad to see the ways that so many people have responded. I read a terrific story about nurses who petitioned the home health organization they worked for and, in large groups, brought donated medical supplies to the gulf coast region. Another WONDERFUL story about three little girls from DC, ages 14, 11 and 8, who started Project Backpack to send things like coloring books, games and reading materials to children from New Orleans who had lost everything. Even local talk-radio stations, that normally focus on bashing government officials and highlighting the negative aspects of society, have turned to fund raising and made me realize that the milk of human kindness still flows. Katrina may be an open wound that has brought into focus just how flawed the country we live in really is but it's also been the impetus to show that what the Dalai Lama said when he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize in 1989 is still true today.

"No matter what part of the world we come from, we are all basically the same human beings. We all seek happiness and try to avoid suffering. We have the same basic human needs and concerns. All of us human beings want freedom and the right to determine our own destiny as individuals and as peoples. That is human nature."

Your brothers and sisters are suffering, just like you, and they want to be happy. Look closely at what the Dalai Lama said. "We all SEEK happiness and TRY to avoid suffering." By that simple statement His Holiness shares that finding happiness and avoiding suffering are acts of effort following simple motions of will. Happiness doesn't arrive one day and decide to move in with you. Suffering is all around you and you have to work at making sure that it doesn't run into you. Keep moving, put one foot in front of the other, take the risk and keep your eyes open. More importantly, keep your heart open. Before I end this blog with my signature top ten I'm going to share the secret to happiness. That's right, there's a secret and it's beautifully simple and eloquently stated, again, by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

"If you want to make others happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy... practice compassion."

Each of us has to learn compassion for one another while we try to find something that I've been lacking lately but am beginning to understand... compassion for ourselves.

Okay, this week the extremely irreverent top ten is going to be a tribute to government in action. All of us know that when presented with a crisis or need our government responds by creating another charity committee or governing board to oversee the resolution of that problem. Here are some lesser known organizations that you may not have heard of. The truth is, I feel like I need a shower just thinking about them.

The Top Ten Obscure Government Aid Organizations:

10) The Oliver Twist Foundation: They're always willing to help the down and out when they're in need. Just don't ask for seconds.

9) The Cat Ate My Homework Committee: Things like education are vitally important issues but there's always a really good excuse for avoiding them, too.

8) Laughter Is The Best Medicine Association: It's a testament to how far the medical profession as whole has come when you can find ways to treat the sick by exposing them to other people who really are FAR sicker.

7) I Gave At The Office: This organization exists solely to salve every American's conscience by pointing out that every time you pay your taxes you're donating your hard earned pay to keep your government from going broke. Now, don't you feel better?

6) Revenge Of The Nerds, Incorporated: This started out as a private corporation but is now a global charity dedicated to keeping homely introverts from finding out that they really do run the entire world.

5) World Hate Organization: This helpful band of volunteers is a little known sub-group of the World Health Organization committed to lowering the planet's blood pressure by focusing biases on insignificant and almost harmless annoyances... like mimes.

4) Paparazzi Relief Fund: Like the Farmer's Aid groups that provide needed funds to farmers in order to prevent over-production of foodstuffs this benevolent institution provides the money needed to pay magazines NOT to hire photographers who think they're Mario Andretti with a camera. We can all feel safer, trust me.

3) Watch Your Step Association: There are animals everywhere who consider the world their private lavatory. Isn't it time the government starting picking some of the stuff up that they've been helping to dish out?

2) The Little Rascals: This is an attempt to deal with gang violence by showing them it's better to form zany cliques filled with other young scamps and channel all that energy into excluding from their groups the real source of their problems... girls.

and the number one obscure government aid organization:

1) Queer Eye For The Poor Guy: Due to the recent success of television decorating shows state and local governments are now convinced that there's no social or financial difficulty that can't be overcome with flamboyant flair and a cat fight broadcast on cable.

I hope that all of you discover that you're a big part of my true happiness. Have a great week.

Here's my quote for the week:

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."
~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist monk nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1967