I've been thinking about the things that couples go through. Mostly because I'm going through them... again. So here's a top ten for all you lovers out there.
The Top Ten Rare Conditions Only Couples Contract:
10. MIF: (not Mission Impossible Force) Menstrual Irritation Factor. It's measured in the level of irritation you cause your partner once a month.
9. DASS: Dig And Scratch Syndrome. This gets worse as couples are together because guys grow more comfortable scratching places they should only touch privately.
8. WDYD: Could be "What Did You Do?!?!" but it's actually Why Don't You... Disease. A condition that forces couples to expect the same things they did to each other while they were dating.
7. IHR: I Hate Romance. This one is the cynical symptom of couples who have lost that magical spark... and found it when the fire department arrived.
6. GAFM: Get Away From Me! This can occur at any time for no particular reason.
5. WDYLT: Where Did You Learn That? This is a disorder that can be both blessing and curse. Cook something your partner has never had before, say something you told yourself you'd never repeat or, the most severe case, make the move you've in bed you've never had the courage to try and you could be either hero or villain.
4. INST: I Never Said That!!! This one is usually only contracted by men because most women have the unnerving ability to repeat conversations you had with them years ago, verbatim.
3. DTMML: Does This Make Me Look... It's a twisted trap as old as time. Why do women ask this question of a gender that yells at people on a television screen as though they can hear them? Men will smell their clothing to determine whether or not it can be worn. These same neanderthals will shove mold riddled food in your face and ask, "Does this smell like it's gone bad to you?" You trust their opinion of how an item might alter your appearance?!?!?
2. YOMH: You're On My Hair. My favorite malady because men, for centuries, have thought so much of their masculine prowess until they realize they're just ripping their partner's scalp from their head. Oh yeah, baby...
and the number one rare condition that only couples contract:
1. WTIIT: Who's Turn Is It To... a word of advice to men here... If you're asking the question, it's probably your turn. If the person you love is asking... it's still probably your turn. Just get up and do it, you knucklehead!
Monday, July 26, 2004
Sunday, July 25, 2004
The agony of da happy feet...
It's been a bittersweet day... and I want to get this over with quickly. Today's top ten was inspired by something Jackie thought was funny.
The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear After Visiting The Gym:
1o. Did those pants fit when you came in?
9. Actually, the limp makes you look kinda sad.
8. No, I don't think the Sound Of Music soundtrack is appropriate for working out.
7. Maybe you should consider taking a shower... again.
6. The doctor will see you now.
5. I'm afraid that we need to refund the rest of your membership fee, less the damages.
4. Poor posture, lack of endurance, unhealthy breathing... maybe you should give up the porn.
3. I'm sorry sir, I thought you were just crank calling 911 from your cellphone.
2. They call them sweats, not sponges.
and the number one thing you don't want to hear after you visit the gym:
1. Sure, you look great. If you're an anemic, injured, senior citizen.
The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear After Visiting The Gym:
1o. Did those pants fit when you came in?
9. Actually, the limp makes you look kinda sad.
8. No, I don't think the Sound Of Music soundtrack is appropriate for working out.
7. Maybe you should consider taking a shower... again.
6. The doctor will see you now.
5. I'm afraid that we need to refund the rest of your membership fee, less the damages.
4. Poor posture, lack of endurance, unhealthy breathing... maybe you should give up the porn.
3. I'm sorry sir, I thought you were just crank calling 911 from your cellphone.
2. They call them sweats, not sponges.
and the number one thing you don't want to hear after you visit the gym:
1. Sure, you look great. If you're an anemic, injured, senior citizen.
Friday, July 23, 2004
You never know what you'll do...
Fast-food is going to be the downfall of western civilization. You'll just have to trust me on this. Where else can you spend $4.99 on substances that can barely be pronounced, encouraged to super-size your ability to clog your arteries at the speed of grease and also get a refill for a quarter? People are so proud of their ability to provide cheap death in a bun that they put their names all over the stuff... Wendy's, Carl's Jr., McDonald's, Tommy's, etc. It wasn't called Hitler's they just call it the Holocaust but the casualty rate wasn't nearly as high...
Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored In A Fast-Food Restaurant:
10. Go to the counter and ask if they can "super-size something that's not on the menu."
9. Randomly ask people if they find the establishment "olfactory."
8. Wear a cape to the restaurant, jump up from your chair when you're done and run back to your car shouting, "I'll be right there!"
7. When they bring you your food ask if the "poor, defenseless animal was killed humanely or subjected to the horrors of an anonymous mass slaughter like it didn't even have a soul."
6. Ask if they offer alternatives to the "kid's meals" with appropriate toys like "Buddhist meals," "Hedonist plates," or "Sado-masochistic sack lunches."
5. Offer to "autograph" people's napkins.
4. When people try to sit at the table next to you don't look up from your meal but say, "Stop it. They can sit there if they want to. You can't make me do that."
3. Write "Official Straw Monitor" on a napkin, tuck it in your collar and pass straws out to people.
2. When the person at the counter asks if they can help you hold up four fingers and shout, "I'm this many!!"
and the number one thing to do when you're bored at a fast-food restaurant:
1. Leave an anonymous note for the manager saying, "I don't want to alarm you but I think the chair I was sitting in may actually be an exact replica of Malaysian shrine where 500 clowns lost their lives."
Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored In A Fast-Food Restaurant:
10. Go to the counter and ask if they can "super-size something that's not on the menu."
9. Randomly ask people if they find the establishment "olfactory."
8. Wear a cape to the restaurant, jump up from your chair when you're done and run back to your car shouting, "I'll be right there!"
7. When they bring you your food ask if the "poor, defenseless animal was killed humanely or subjected to the horrors of an anonymous mass slaughter like it didn't even have a soul."
6. Ask if they offer alternatives to the "kid's meals" with appropriate toys like "Buddhist meals," "Hedonist plates," or "Sado-masochistic sack lunches."
5. Offer to "autograph" people's napkins.
4. When people try to sit at the table next to you don't look up from your meal but say, "Stop it. They can sit there if they want to. You can't make me do that."
3. Write "Official Straw Monitor" on a napkin, tuck it in your collar and pass straws out to people.
2. When the person at the counter asks if they can help you hold up four fingers and shout, "I'm this many!!"
and the number one thing to do when you're bored at a fast-food restaurant:
1. Leave an anonymous note for the manager saying, "I don't want to alarm you but I think the chair I was sitting in may actually be an exact replica of Malaysian shrine where 500 clowns lost their lives."
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Top Ten Mania!
Okay, so tonight I'm trying to produce two top tens because I want to start doing two a day so that I can publish. I warn you, I'm a little jaded because I've had several days to consider the fact that I'm a recently working stiff trying to compete in a world where everyone wants to be self-employed. The first is one inspired while actually laughing during a very serious conversation I was having with Jackie. Sad, but true...
The Top Ten Novelty CDs That Just Never Made It©:
10. Bodily Noises From The Motion Picture Deliverence.
9. The Cast From "Who's Company?" Sing Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.
8. Don't You Want Me Baby by Sally Fields.
7. Lounge Songs From The Sixties by The Grateful Dead.
6. 100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall by Various Artists.
5. Ozzy Ozbourne Mumbles Shakespeare.
4. Binging And Purging To The Hits by Calista Flockhart.
3. Music To Spasm To by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
2. Rick James Sings About His Bitch.
and the number one novelty CD that just didn't make it:
1. Jailhouse Rock by Martha Stewart
Okay, and now for Top Ten number two...
The Top Ten Names For Celebrity Perfumes You'll Never See©:
10. Endorsement: Your name is worth more than you are.
9. Jagged Little Pill: How much can you swallow?
8. Cleavage: I'm up here... hello?!?!
7. Kids And Animals: Hollywood's not that bad... is it?
6. Danger: Put down the crack pipe.
5. Andy Warhol: "There's nothing behind it."
4. Puke: Try not to get it on you.
3. Fifteen Minutes: Save for a rainy day.
2. Purdy: A scent as fleeting as beauty.
and the number one celebrity perfume you'll never see:
1. Plastic Surgery: I'm as real as you want me to be.
The Top Ten Novelty CDs That Just Never Made It©:
10. Bodily Noises From The Motion Picture Deliverence.
9. The Cast From "Who's Company?" Sing Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.
8. Don't You Want Me Baby by Sally Fields.
7. Lounge Songs From The Sixties by The Grateful Dead.
6. 100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall by Various Artists.
5. Ozzy Ozbourne Mumbles Shakespeare.
4. Binging And Purging To The Hits by Calista Flockhart.
3. Music To Spasm To by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
2. Rick James Sings About His Bitch.
and the number one novelty CD that just didn't make it:
1. Jailhouse Rock by Martha Stewart
Okay, and now for Top Ten number two...
The Top Ten Names For Celebrity Perfumes You'll Never See©:
10. Endorsement: Your name is worth more than you are.
9. Jagged Little Pill: How much can you swallow?
8. Cleavage: I'm up here... hello?!?!
7. Kids And Animals: Hollywood's not that bad... is it?
6. Danger: Put down the crack pipe.
5. Andy Warhol: "There's nothing behind it."
4. Puke: Try not to get it on you.
3. Fifteen Minutes: Save for a rainy day.
2. Purdy: A scent as fleeting as beauty.
and the number one celebrity perfume you'll never see:
1. Plastic Surgery: I'm as real as you want me to be.
RIP Ray Charles.
I never met the man but I grieve his passing. I remember summer nights when I was younger being brought half to tears listening to this soul filled blind man, born in a segregated Albany, Georgia, sing, ironically, the national anthem. As a young man, Ray represented the tenacity it takes to overcome the steepest of mountains and still maintain the integrity of dreams and the ability to touch people with unbridled sincerity. What kind of man does it take to bare your soul to millions of people in the painful birthing process of creating a song? Especially when you know that your music will be criticized, scrutinized and rejected out of hand simply because people don't know how to believe that a successful black man can still have a pure talent. Ray, you set standards that will remain unchallenged for generations. Did you intend to change music? Did you intend to turn the entire musical world on it's ear with your music or did you just write a song because you enjoyed the music? God speed, Ray. You've earned your place in the celestial choir. In fact, I'm hoping that you're enjoying your new found place composing songs that bring God to tears the way yours did for me.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
What are you lookin' at?!?!
It's all crude mood and attitude around here lately. I live in a two bedroom apartment with three women. I ask you, wouldn't any sane man have his patience tested in the best of conditions??? Well, I just went from being a regular working stiff to being home twenty-four/seven. Hello? I love each and every one of these women, truly, but when tempers begin to fray and the monthly hormone explosion creates a shockwave that would level the crowd at a World Wrestling Federation match it's difficult not to hide behind a mask of indifference. I've been contributing my own brand of heartless comments without thinking about the sensitive ears listening. As it is, every person in this apartment has had her feelings hurt, several times, and I've said that I'm sorry more times than Oliver North. Family life can be a little hazardous... it's downright extreme when you're bipolar.
Today's top ten, therefore, is going to reflect my current situation...
The Top Ten Things To Install In A Luxury Doghouse:
10. Drool cloth dispenser.
9. High-Definition Smell-o-Vision.
8. Hot & cold running toilet water.
7. Authentic "Chase The Car" treadmill.
6. A.C.M.E. inflatable leg. (for those lonely nights at home)
5. Hydrant with infrared flush-o-matic sensor.
4. Crunchy cat crap vending machine.
3. "Just like the real thing" sun-lamp.
2. Butt-scent spray and sniff station.
and the number one thing to install in a luxury doghouse:
1. Ronco meaty bone burying oven.
Today's top ten, therefore, is going to reflect my current situation...
The Top Ten Things To Install In A Luxury Doghouse:
10. Drool cloth dispenser.
9. High-Definition Smell-o-Vision.
8. Hot & cold running toilet water.
7. Authentic "Chase The Car" treadmill.
6. A.C.M.E. inflatable leg. (for those lonely nights at home)
5. Hydrant with infrared flush-o-matic sensor.
4. Crunchy cat crap vending machine.
3. "Just like the real thing" sun-lamp.
2. Butt-scent spray and sniff station.
and the number one thing to install in a luxury doghouse:
1. Ronco meaty bone burying oven.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
What a difference a day makes.
It's too true. One minute you're bitching about how stressed out you are about everything and the next you're being told by your psychiatrist that you can't go back to work... wait, that actually makes sense. This morning Jackie sat down with me and we told my psychiatrist how difficult things have been for me recently. A three and a half to four hour commute and working so far from home. So the doctor told me that he's putting me on disability for three months. Uh, okay, where the hell did that come from?!?! Yesterday I was worried about looking for a job here in the valley and today I'm on disability? Yeah, twenty-four little hours. I can't say that I'm completely relieved but I'm not nearly as worried about finding the time to take care of things. Now Jackie and I can work, in earnest on getting our home-based business things started. I've got ideas for printing and selling some of my photography. She's going to be making hemp jewelry that we'll be selling on eBay, hopefully, and maybe at some of the local "flea market" events. We are going to work very hard on getting the two cookbooks together and ready for pitching to publishing companies. I'm going to gather some editorial type material to see if I can sell some of my writing. Jackie wants me to gather a collection of my top ten lists and possibly put together a book, so you saw it here first! And amongst it all I have time to find a good job nearby. Okay, so maybe the disability won't be so bad. Hey, I worry... it's how I got in this situation in the first place.
So, in that vain, and because tomorrow is my thirty-sixth birthday, today's top ten is going to be about worrying and the art of aging... gracefully... maybe.
The Top Ten Things People Ask When They Realize They're Getting Older:
10. Do chocolate chocolate chip cookies come in decaf?
9. How many calories does sex actually burn, anyway?
8. Is a Last Will and Testament just a way of avoiding a garage sale???
7. Does this job make me look fat?
6. Do my kids need an inheritance as much as I need a red convertible?
5. Why does my laundry look like a medieval torture chamber?
4. Do these pill organizers come in a briefcase version?
3. When is it actually okay to use the words "When I was your age"?
2. How many carbs do vitamins have?
and the number one thing people ask when they realize they're getting older:
1. Is hair really fashion or just lost and found?
So, in that vain, and because tomorrow is my thirty-sixth birthday, today's top ten is going to be about worrying and the art of aging... gracefully... maybe.
The Top Ten Things People Ask When They Realize They're Getting Older:
10. Do chocolate chocolate chip cookies come in decaf?
9. How many calories does sex actually burn, anyway?
8. Is a Last Will and Testament just a way of avoiding a garage sale???
7. Does this job make me look fat?
6. Do my kids need an inheritance as much as I need a red convertible?
5. Why does my laundry look like a medieval torture chamber?
4. Do these pill organizers come in a briefcase version?
3. When is it actually okay to use the words "When I was your age"?
2. How many carbs do vitamins have?
and the number one thing people ask when they realize they're getting older:
1. Is hair really fashion or just lost and found?
Friday, July 02, 2004
Do you know me? You don't know me!!!
1. What time do you get up? 6:AM when I'm working, when I'm not it usually depends on how long the COMA LASTS!
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Jackie, because she's reading this and will kill me if I don't say her. No, seriously.
3. Gold or silver? Golver... no, sild... wait... what's the question?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What the hell is a cinema?
5. What is/are your favorite TV show(s)? Power off and staring at Jackie...
6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee, woven wheat crackers and brie. (It's a rough life, but I don't have a stomach!)
7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Any self-help guru... throttling's too good for them.
8. What/who inspires you? Jackie, God gave her to me and she's my favorite, so there.
9. What is your middle name? Slightly-off-center... and Allen
10. Beach, City or Country? Country - fresh air, stars and wild, untamed animals... no, wait, that's the neighbours...
11. Favorite ice cream? Until recently it was peppermint, now it's no sugar added Klondike bars... cold chemical goodness
12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn? Lather and sprinkle it on, baby!
13. Favorite color? Olive green with a hint of "what is that?"
14. What kind of car do you drive? A little white piece of crap that I'm grateful for
15. Favorite sandwich? Cucumber, but I can't have bread
16. What characteristic do you despise? What characteristic... nyah, nyah, yada, yada, yada... Uh, mocking... hate it.
17. Favorite flower? Alstromeria for looks, Gardenia for fragrance and whole wheat for baking
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Back to DC... I wanna live in the Smithsonian...
19. What color is your bathroom? When it's clean, tan-ish... when it's not it's too hideous to open my eyes!!!!!!!!
20. Favorite brand of clothing? Geoffrey Beene, if you must know.
21. Where would you retire to? Grass Valley, CA...
22. Favorite day of the week? Payday
23. What did you do for your last birthday? *hic*
24. When is your Birthday? Monday (no, really)
25. Where were you born? Spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, I think
26. Favorite sport to watch? Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Niners! Woohoo!
27. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? (insert your name here)
28. Person you expect to send it back first? Skippy the wonder hamster
29. What fabric detergent do you use? The white, powdery one with little flecks
30. Coke or Pepsi? diet Dr. Pepper (I like being different, too)
31. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Insomniac, hello?
32. What is your shoe size? 13 wide or 14... I know, I know... Sasquatch borrows my shoes
33. Do you have any pets? 3 cats, 2 kids and one very angry dust bunny that is trying to kill me in my sleep
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Jackie, because she's reading this and will kill me if I don't say her. No, seriously.
3. Gold or silver? Golver... no, sild... wait... what's the question?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What the hell is a cinema?
5. What is/are your favorite TV show(s)? Power off and staring at Jackie...
6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee, woven wheat crackers and brie. (It's a rough life, but I don't have a stomach!)
7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Any self-help guru... throttling's too good for them.
8. What/who inspires you? Jackie, God gave her to me and she's my favorite, so there.
9. What is your middle name? Slightly-off-center... and Allen
10. Beach, City or Country? Country - fresh air, stars and wild, untamed animals... no, wait, that's the neighbours...
11. Favorite ice cream? Until recently it was peppermint, now it's no sugar added Klondike bars... cold chemical goodness
12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn? Lather and sprinkle it on, baby!
13. Favorite color? Olive green with a hint of "what is that?"
14. What kind of car do you drive? A little white piece of crap that I'm grateful for
15. Favorite sandwich? Cucumber, but I can't have bread
16. What characteristic do you despise? What characteristic... nyah, nyah, yada, yada, yada... Uh, mocking... hate it.
17. Favorite flower? Alstromeria for looks, Gardenia for fragrance and whole wheat for baking
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Back to DC... I wanna live in the Smithsonian...
19. What color is your bathroom? When it's clean, tan-ish... when it's not it's too hideous to open my eyes!!!!!!!!
20. Favorite brand of clothing? Geoffrey Beene, if you must know.
21. Where would you retire to? Grass Valley, CA...
22. Favorite day of the week? Payday
23. What did you do for your last birthday? *hic*
24. When is your Birthday? Monday (no, really)
25. Where were you born? Spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, I think
26. Favorite sport to watch? Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Niners! Woohoo!
27. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? (insert your name here)
28. Person you expect to send it back first? Skippy the wonder hamster
29. What fabric detergent do you use? The white, powdery one with little flecks
30. Coke or Pepsi? diet Dr. Pepper (I like being different, too)
31. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Insomniac, hello?
32. What is your shoe size? 13 wide or 14... I know, I know... Sasquatch borrows my shoes
33. Do you have any pets? 3 cats, 2 kids and one very angry dust bunny that is trying to kill me in my sleep
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