F Is For Family... Right?

Why don't family problems get any easier? Take three women, one very unstable, self-conscious and fairly cynical man and four (yes, I said four) cats and shove them into a small apartment. Add an extremely limited budget because of artistic endeavours, disabilities and poor money management skills in both adults. Stir in bipolar disorder(manic-depression), attention deficit disorder(ADD), social anxiety disorder, attention deficit with hyperactivity disorder(ADHD), borderline personality disorder(BPD) and sprinkle various health problems all around(argh). Now, mix in mistakes, biases, teen and pre-teen angst, old emotional wounds, temperamental artistic moodiness, more than one major life crisis per household member and dysfunctional symptoms beyond counting. You'd think that the entire Inland Empire would have been brought to it's collective knees by now. I don't think the Philadelphia Project spawned this much raw ordinance.

This morning I'm just reeling from the backlash of my inability to handle it all with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I want to be a better person, for the love of God and all that's holy! I want the wisdom of the Dalai Lama, the foresight of Nostradamus, the compassion of Mother Theresa, the level-headedness of Siddartha, the social consciousness of the Pope and the patience of Gandhi... and I want it right now, dammit!!! Every time I turn around I'm more angry than I truly should be and sharing it with everyone around me. What the hell?!?!

Let's face it. I'm inadequate. I need to be a super-human superhero. The best I can manage is to be a quasi-human with good intentions. I don't wish anyone harm... but I hurt them anyway. The Buddhists believe that life is suffering, both mental and physical. They also believe that the truest forms of happiness that exist in life are found in friendships and family. It just never occured to me that all of those traits could coexist in the same apartment.

So what do I do? Well, I'm trying to find comfort in the Taoist philosophy of Wu Wei (literally translated: "do nothing") that when you do nothing everything gets done, in it's natural fashion. It refers to the fact that in nature, what I feel is simply an example of the perfection of God's creation, things get done exactly as they were meant to get done. Here's a little excerpt from a favorite tomb, The Tao of Pooh:

"The Wu Wei principal underlying T'ai Chi Ch'üan can be understood by striking at a piece of cork floating in water. The harder you hit at it, the more it yields; the more it yields, the harder it bounces back. Without expending energy, the cork can easily wear you out. So, Wu Wei overcomes force by neutralizing it's power, rather than by adding to the conflict. With other approaches, you may fight fire with fire, but with Wu Wei, you fight fire with water."

In that vain, I have to remind myself that I'm trying too hard. I need to be... just be. That means be myself, be content with life and all it's blessings and try to remember that I'm actually very lucky because I don't deserve the things that I have.

There, I feel better.

Now it's time for a top ten, because I know that education and enlightenment are important to all of you. After all, it is the "rage of enlightenment." (Don't use that... it's been copyrighted by some think-tank in England... I checked.)

The Top Ten Philosophies That Didn't Make It:

10. Skroo Yu: based on the ancient teachings of Scottish free-loaders.

9. Qis Mai Gritz: this may actually have been started by Genghis Khan and the mongol hords but the earliest instances were recorded at a greasy diner in Arizona.

8. What Are You Lookin' At?: pugilistic in nature and started before recorded history, more recently it's practiced widely by people like Sean Penn, John McEnroe and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

7. Oohpz: the eastern mystics postulated that in every social circle there is one person who will inevitably find the most expensive thing in the room and knock it over.

6. Jhusst Schoodt Mi: inevitability in all its permutations can bring even the most robust of us to the conclusion that it's time to get medieval on your own ass.

5. Looz Ehrz: another from the eastern philosophers who studied communal living and discovered that they themselves should really get out more.

4. Mah-Succor: this is a rarely discussed off-shoot from the Islamic practice of "jihad," that literally translated means "struggle" not holy war. Mah-Succor, literally translated, means "I'm suffering from PMS and you've pissed me off."

3. Knodt Mi: from a Welsh phrase that means "know thy self" the philosophy teaches that it's okay to do anything... unless you get caught.

2. Gogh du Hel: in the anals of history there have been so few true philosophies that came out of the French Impressionist period. This one teaches that the annoying earn the right to be relocated to a warmer after-life.

and the number one philosophy that didn't make it:

1. Aye Haight Yu: practiced by the early druids and passed down through all European cultures this philosophy manifests itself amongst teenagers when asking their parents for things they obviously know they can't have.

A Few Words About Time Travel...

Yeah, that last blog about my gastric bypass got a few comments, none of which were terribly complimentary. My favorite was, "Was it as uncomfortable as reading about it?" This time I'm going to go totally cerebral on you. My brain is going extra fast today. It's from strong coffee, lots of reading and doing research because Jackie was just diagnosed with Glaucoma. The most curious thing I've read in the last twenty-four hours is a novel by one of my favorite authors, Clifford D. Simak, about time travel.

How is it possible that this could work? Firstly, time isn't a form of energy, it's entropy. The fact that everything is moving. If everything in the universe stopped moving all at once, then time would, theoretically, cease to exist. Then there's the fact that even if you're standing still you're still moving. The Earth rotates on it's axis, around the sun and moves as part of the Milky Way Galaxy. The universe is always in a state of flux because of expansion... if you're an evolutionist. If you're not, then it's because God designed the universe to be ever changing. Matter and energy are in a constant transfer from one state to another. Movement is only a perception, because, it's all moving dynamically! Einstein stated that matter reaches a certain state of movement where it stretches out to infinity as it reaches the speed of light. So, in order to break that theoretical barrier it would have to change from matter into something else or cross over into another finite existencial state. Why am I rambling about all of this? Who knows? My brain runs away with things. I'm just along for the ride.

Today's top ten is one for the pioneer in us all.

The Top Ten Reasons Not To Travel In Time:

10. There isn't a therapist in the world who would help you get over being laughed at by yourself.

9. If you fail to correct a mistake you already made in the past it means that you're the biggest loser that will ever live. (wrap your cerebellum around that one)

8. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, I'll erase your whole family tree.

7. I don't want to risk bumping into HG Wells.

6. How would you deal with finding out that six months from now you turn into an insurance salesman?!

5. The Butterfly Effect: a butterfly flaps it's wings in Thailand... and your ex wins the lottery, has a perfect tan and drives a convertible.

4. Most people can't follow the directions that come with a microwave... what about a time machine??? ("Hey, what does this button do?")

3. Haven't we already seen this one?

2. One version of reality is tough enough.

and the number one reason NOT to travel in time:

1. One wrong move and Gandhi becomes a dance instructor on Broadway.

A Word About Gastric Bypass.

For those reading this who don't know, I had gastric bypass surgery on November 27th of 2002. I lost almost 200 pounds in just eighteen months and it's been quite a ride, so far. Talking to Jackie today I realized that it's been a bittersweet experience for me. My results aren't exactly textbook even though I reached my goal. I had a lot of conflicting information and have discovered that every person, though totally unique, should abide by a certain core set of rules. Here's a list of things I didn't know before the surgery that I really should have:

1. Every person needs a certain number of grams of animal, not vegetable, protein in order to survive... but that's only survival, not health.

2. Your body can't process the protein you ingest unless balanced properly with the carbohydrates you ingest... but it doesn't have to be in the exact same meal.

3. Calories mean energy... not fat.

4. The more meat is cooked the harder it is for your body to digest... but every type of meat has to be treated extremely differently.

5. No amount of planning or nutritional knowledge can prepare you to make the changes you need to make in your diet... unless it always takes into account your mood, current health, stress, activity level, phase of the moon, sun, Mars in retrograde...

In short, every person, situation, even meal is extremely unique. So trying to say that everything that works for one person will definitely and definitively work for someone else is pure fantasy.

What am I talking about? Well, a little before and after exercise may give you an idea.

Before the surgery I could eat an entire large pizza with several toppings. After I've been able to eat just the toppings from two slices of pizza... on a good day. Normally, that's limited to one slice. The crust will never pass my lips again.

Before the surgery I could eat two large helpings of spaghetti with meatballs. After I'm lucky if I can eat two large meatballs. It depends on if the meat was overcooked, my mood, how well I'm feeling, the spices in the meat, the phase of the moon, sun, Mars in retrograde... you get the idea. One bite too many and the meat will make a quick exit out the entry port. Not fun and worth avoiding.

Before the surgery I enjoyed going to all you can eat restaurants to try and watch the manager turn faint. Now I'm begging the same person to let me order something off the kids or seniors menu or maybe pay by the ounce. You should see the looks I get when I tell them that I can fit more food in my mouth than I can in my stomach.

Anyway, it's all been worth it because I can honestly say that I'm happier with my body than I was two years ago. I miss things like being able to chug a glass of water when I'm thirsty or simply having a slice of bread. What I don't miss is constantly knowing that my body was being destroyed by the excess that it carried. Only time will tell if I've made the best decision for my future.

The Internet In Three Quarter Time...

Let's dance, shall we? I've been doing a lot of it lately. Not in the literal sense, mind you. I'm not some insane Fred Astaire frolicking around like I just drank a case of Rockstar and forced myself into an epileptic episode with a smile on my face. I've been trying to juggle problems at home (big orchestral crescendo) while acting like everything's fine in front of friends, family and occasional saps who have to listen to a grown man cry.

The problem? Let's be blunt... I have to, I have been anything but sharp lately. Hi, I'm Jodie and I'm an asshole. *big "HI JODIE" from the room* It's been a couple of weeks since my last online confession... that's what this is, you know. I get to purge my soul and you get to point and laugh as my pennance. It's the closest thing I have to clergy at the moment, so live with it.

Jackie, the most wonderful woman alive, has had to put up with my moods and lack of interest in just about anything approaching intimacy. Why? Well, I've blamed it on everything but the truth. (A-one-two-one-two-three-four) Let's start with my first excuse. I was depressed because of my situation with being put on disability recently. (side-step left) Then I tried to blame it all on changes in medications. (kick-ball-change) I also tried telling her that I am just having difficulty with being able to separate my work and home life. (slide to the right and hop) When I just couldn't admit to her or, more specifically, myself, the undeniable truth. It's a story as old as time and it smells like it hasn't had a shower in a couple of years. That's right, that horrible smell is... (orchestra hit and drop into the splits for the big finish) FEAR!!! I'm afraid. My anxiety, stress, mania and moody fits have all been over the fact that I'm scared, all the time. I can't face the things that I am so frightened of losing.

Why??? I am with the woman that I know I've been searching for my whole life. Her kids are wonderful and they love me for who I really am. I'm learning to live by my dreams and make the art I have inside of me a reality. I have more freedoms now than I've ever had in my entire life. What the hell is my problem? I'll tell you. It's because deep down I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. I feel as though I'm doomed to blow this whole thing apart, because that's what I've always done. Being in a relationship this intense is like living next to a bonfire. One foot too close and you're consumed by it. A foot the other way and you'll freeze your tail off. My problem is that I just can't seem to sit still in that sweet spot and enjoy the warmth. Instead, I back off and suffer in the cold because I feel like I'm supposed to be miserable. I've been consumed before and had to live with the disappointment of losing it all very quickly. I'm going to be happy, dammit, even if it kills me. God, I sure hope it does... really, really slowly.

Today's top ten is a testament to all of us screw-ups out there. One step at a time, one day at a time, one smashed finger at a time, we're making the world a better place... only with more safety warnings.

The Top Ten Safety Warnings For Screw-Ups:

10. Caution: Do not read this label.

9. Device is designed to be operated by someone else... put it down and walk away.

8. Please sober up, stop whining and find your glasses before touching that switch.

7. Roses are red, violets are blue, you'll be all those colors when this falls on you.

6. Warning: Your IQ is insufficient for walking erect.

5. The manufacturer has already forwarded your address and phone number to a local ambulance company.

4. If accident should occur please videotape it and send it to us so we can laugh at you.

3. Caution: for use only in bed with a champagne spritzer, a copy of the New York Times and a remote control for a TV you don't own any more.

2. Danger: Product can cause hopeless geeks to feel much cooler than they really are.

and the number one warning for screw-ups:

1. Manufacturer is not responsible for loss of confidence, impotence, major emotional issues, foot odor, tidal shift, feline migration, strip mining, lexdysia, uh, aidyslex, er, learning disabilities or marital difficulties caused by the irresponsible purchase of this product.

Blogging gone bad.

I wanted so much to be able to update this blog on a daily basis. So much for good intentions. I'm home full time and I thought it meant that now I was away from my job "rehabilitating" I'd have a great deal more time to pursue my writing and photography. Well, I've been taking pictures... but only while I've been out running errands every day. It seems that everything else has become my full time job. Everywhere I look there is something that needs to be fixed, cleaned, put away, reorganized, labeled, folded... you get the idea. Being home is hard work. So, Jackie, the MOST wonderful woman alive, kindly bought me a new desk and is actively trying to get me to finish resurrecting my desktop computer, that I slightly cannabalized to fix my father's system, once and for all. Once I get that computer up and running it will be my little corner of the world. A small slice of sanctuary in a crowded apartment. Ah, bliss...

"Life is funnier when you are anxiously anticipating the punchline."

- Right Rev. Rap Masta Cornflake

So, here I am thinking about writing, photography and the age old art of making money without being hired by corporate America. So here's a twisted top ten for the blue-collar crowd... we're all in this together.

The Top Ten Reasons NOT To Kill Your Boss:

10. Orange cover-alls have NEVER been in fashion... especially in the exercise yard.

9. It's so important to show respect... without the crosshairs.

8. Because you'll simply be replacing them with someone much more annoying and demanding... that you pay.

7. No one has ever said, "Show them how you feel... with explosives."

6. It's very difficult to forward your mail to a penitentiary.

5. Stalking self-help gurus is much more satisfying.

4. At the office you get cigarette breaks... not broken for cigarettes.

3. Writing a proposal under a deadline is infinitely easier than writing a confession under guard.

2. Pictures of your ass, attached to a resignation, can be enjoyed for years.

and the number one reason NOT to kill your boss:

1. "Yes sir/ma'am" is easier to say than, "Can't we just cuddle?"

A full nest on an empty stomach.

The wayward eighteen year old has come home to roost for a night. She's got to go to court tomorrow morning to deal with a problem with her driver's license. Don't ask. So with all the girls under our roof I'm considering things from a different perspective. Here's a one for parents.

The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear Come Out Of A Child's Mouth:

10. (when asked about something broken) It wasn't me.

9. (referring to a myriad of commands) It's not fair!

8. (when asked about clothing they've obviously soiled) I don't have anything else to wear!

7. (when the older child is given permission) How come they get to do it?

6. (when asked if they've bathed recently) I think so, wait, no, I can't remember.

5. (from a teenager) I hear you say it all the time.

4. (when caught in the act) I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that.

3. (if asked to do work) I don't feel good.

2. (this one is just icky) I think the cat's sick.

and the number one thing you don't want to hear come out of a child's mouth:

1. (HORROR!) Mom, I found this in your nightstand.