Recently Rezoned Little House On The Blog...

Mmmm... Cup of coffee, mystery curry mixture for breakfast, a quick cigarette because the mystery mixture upset my fragile stomach, a few dollars in my pocket and a list of errands that need to be run. That's my morning and plans for the day, so far. This weekend will be spent frantically trying to get something done with my SmartTShirts.com website so that we can start selling some of the clever T-Shirts that we've been able to come up with. Truthfully, I'm actually excited about that one. Jackie wants me to try writing an article based on some amazing facts we've discovered about the after-effects of weight loss surgery that we can "pitch" to a magazine to generate some temporary income. And we're going to make a big batch of Jackie's perfectly wonderful Enchilada Casserole and take it to her parent's place to feed the family after moving her brother into his new apartment. Sound like a lot? Yeah, well, it is.

Jackie and I spent most of the day, yesterday, with my twin brother helping him to pick up his new vehicle. He and his wife are in the process of moving to a small Minnesota town that was the literary home of Laura Ingalls-Wilder when she was a little girl. That's right, their moving to the prairie. Of course, it's not a prairie any more. Somebody knocked over the old schoolhouse and put up a strip mall. It just went downhill from there. It sounds like a big deal now but I'm sure that it seemed like a great idea at the time.

The grinding wheels of progress get more and more ludicrous looking when viewed through history. The ancient Romans thought it would be a good idea to convert the majestic Coliseum from a grand sports arena, hosting everything from slaves fighting other slaves and Christians being thrown to rabid lions to huge reproductions of ocean battles with the arena filled with enough water to hold the small ships, into a combination flea market and house of prostitution. Even the Chinese, whose structures have been around longer than recorded history in the western world, commonly use places like The Forbidden City and Tianenmen Square alternately for religious and political purposes but rarely for the original purposes they were built. Looking back, now, it seems wrong but someone, when pressed with the need for space and a shipment of ruffled leg warmers already on the way, realized that the old church they used to drive by might be just the right size to stack moldy boxes in.

That's right, house of worship, rat infested warehouse, den of iniquity... it's all the same to a clever real estate agent and a contracter with no conscience.

Next thing you know they'll be doing things like moving gravestones without exhuming the bodies to make way for a perfectly planned suburban tract home. I'm glad they haven't yet because that kind of thing could destroy the lives of one or two innocent families, lead to a host of psychic tourists sticking their noses in where they don't belong, open up a freak wormhole to the afterlife and seriously lower the value of said real estate. Eventually Steven Spielberg would probably run with the whole thing and make a movie out of it, hire some knucklehead like Craig T. Nelson to play the pot-smoking father and then get Industrial Lights and Magic (George Lucas' special effects dream team) to whip up a bunch of expensive effects to suck the audience into believing that all ghosts really want is to kidnap some cute little blond girl that watches too much television. Who's crazy enough to go see that?

Enough gibberish. It's time for a really silly top ten.

The Top Ten Movies That Never Got Made:

10. Lassie Came Home: A heart warming picture about a dog that just got out of rehab and now wants to settle the score with the top-secret military police organization who taught her how to kill but not how to live.

9. Blood, Sweat And Sheers: Richard Simmons stars in this gay, romantic comedy about a successful fitness expert that falls madly in love with his edgy, heavy metal hair-stylist.

8. Where's The Remote?: A satirical look at the life of a permanent bachelor who's only desire is to stay up late, naked, in bed, watching adult movies and eating Cheetos.

7. I've Got A Coupon For That: Finally, an epic for the rest of us about a single father who goes on a quest to buy a single-wide mobile home from a company who won't approve his loan.

6. Enter Your P.I.N.: An instant Sci-Fi classic about a cyborg that terrorizes shopping malls by grabbing hard working people waiting at the checkout stands with their debit cards and shouting, "Insufficient Funds!!"

5. Burn, Baby, Burn: Hard core documentary cum cult classic about a growing number of kids becoming obsessed with illegally downloading songs over the internet from obscure music albums like "John Denver Sings The Hymns" and "I Wanna Make Boom-Boom In My Pants".

4. Screw The Short Form: A new hero emerges from the pile of receipts and itemized deductions to take on the IRS and prove to them that they are going to need to write off a strong laxative and an enema.

3. Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion: Science, religion and mental illness all collide in this brilliant new musical about a young woman who wants to start an industrial convent that provides inexpensive power to people that don't own any electronics.

2. Get My Agent On The Phone: Movies about movie making show the excitement and glamour but this gem shows the rest of it... the boredom, the attitudes and the lack of napkins at the catering table.

And the number one movie that never got made:

1. Tibetan Ninja Chronicles: The Dalai Lama kicks some serious ass while trying to deal with conflicting feelings about being a pacifist.

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." ~ Robin Williams

I sing the blog electric...

I heard a song the other day while I was out just running some errands. The words touched me so I thought I'd post them here and dedicate them to the woman that I love.

Jackie, you've given me life, meaning and provided me with a home for my heart. That means more than I could ever say.

Taking You Home
(Don Henley/Stan Lynch/Stuart Brawley)

I had a good life
Before you came
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
'Til you made me glad
Oh, in this love I found strength I never knew I had

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you home

There were days, lonely days
When the world wouldn't throw me a crumb
But I kept on believing
That this day would come

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you home

Where we can be with the ones who really care
Home, where we can grow together
Keep you in my heart forever

And this loveIs like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you home

Love is a funny thing when you're trying to explain it to people. The nineteen year old has been with her boyfriend for ten months and was talking about their future together. The thirteen year old has a friend that's now eighteen and keeps saying that she needs a boyfriend. Even the nine year old asks her Mom and me about our relationship, sometimes. I've tried to explain to all of them about how I feel about love.

Love is something that is NOT a feeling. Love is much more than that. It's hard work, no matter how you look at it. It calls for action. It means doing things you don't want to do. Especially when you feel just the opposite. Giving of yourself when you feel like there's nothing left to give. But, fortunately, it also means finding joy in little things. An encouraging smile, a thoughtful concern when things are tough, a cold glass of something when you're thirsty or something to eat when you were too busy to realize you're hungry. Love can be painful but the deep contentment and self worth you can get from knowing you've done what's right, not what's easiest, can be the most rewarding thing of all.

It's true what the Bible says about love in I Corinthians 13: 4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."

It's not just Jackie that makes me think about love. It's the children. Maybe them especially because everything I do for them and every time I realize they're growing up and will, eventually, leave the nest. Parenting is the most rewarding and, simultaneously, the most excruciatingly painful endeavour in the whole of human history.

I agree with what Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet:

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

I want to see the children grow up and learn to live their own lives. To face the wide world, unafraid and prepared. The cruel irony is that I'll never truly be able to watch them do that without me feeling the pain and fear for them. I'll never be ready. But. I still plan on being the crazy, annoying guy screaming the loudest and telling everyone around me, "That's my daughter. Isn't she wonderful?"

I'll finish off this flowery, gushy blog with a flowery, gushy poem for my girls.

I'm a father
And I do the best I can
It's because of you
That I want to be a better man

I'll take on the world
And shake my fists at the sky
I'll teach you to run
And proudly watch as you learn to fly

Stuck here on the ground
With a broken wing that will never mend
My heart is flying because of you
I'll hold you up while you ascend

"Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

A long walk off a short blog...

I was supposed to log in and update with a holiday top ten. Yeah, that was the plan. Every time I've hunkered down in front of this silly computer (that I'm trying to earn a living with) there is always something that prevents me from finishing the entry. I've got several drafts saved but now the holidays are over they'll be getting deleted. So much for good intentions. The new top ten is about the aftermath of the holidays.

The holidays were bittersweet for us. We had fun but mixed in were the trials and tribulations of family turmoil both in our little apartment and the extended family we saw during those obligatory get togethers. It's amazing how fast things can go from bad to worse when family members jump in and try to fix things. You know, I was going to sit and bitch about all the things that I went through over the holidays but I've changed my mind. I'll get it out but keep it short and sweet with an a-typically (NOT!) tongue-in-cheek top ten.

The Top Ten Things Heard During Family Holiday Parties:

10. You know, you've been moody since you started potty training.

9. (From the one holding the electric knife) Do you want to fight or can I just carve the *&#!@* turkey?

8. Screw the food... where's the egg nog? (Yes, that one was me.)

7. If you people don't shut up long enough to let me bless the food I'm going to hurt someone.

6. I think Dad's either watching the football game or yelling at your brother again.

5. Fine, I'm taking my triple chocolate fudge nutty chewy goodness bars and going home.

4. Buying gifts for three year olds is tough. I can't tell if she's more excited about the wrapping, the box or the Barbie that she just threw in the fireplace.

3. Hey! Tree trimmings do NOT include pets, silverware, underwear or anything that is supposed to be on the table for dinner!

2. I asked you to put on some Christmas music. To date, I'm not sure that Snoop Dogg has actually released a holiday CD.

and the number one thing heard during holiday family parties:

1. Naked, dancing on tables, flirting with every guy in the room... yep, grandpa's had too much to drink.

I hope your New Year is turning out to be all that you hoped for... and then some.

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."
~Anton Chekhov