I've been thinking about the things that couples go through. Mostly because I'm going through them... again. So here's a top ten for all you lovers out there.
The Top Ten Rare Conditions Only Couples Contract:
10. MIF: (not Mission Impossible Force) Menstrual Irritation Factor. It's measured in the level of irritation you cause your partner once a month.
9. DASS: Dig And Scratch Syndrome. This gets worse as couples are together because guys grow more comfortable scratching places they should only touch privately.
8. WDYD: Could be "What Did You Do?!?!" but it's actually Why Don't You... Disease. A condition that forces couples to expect the same things they did to each other while they were dating.
7. IHR: I Hate Romance. This one is the cynical symptom of couples who have lost that magical spark... and found it when the fire department arrived.
6. GAFM: Get Away From Me! This can occur at any time for no particular reason.
5. WDYLT: Where Did You Learn That? This is a disorder that can be both blessing and curse. Cook something your partner has never had before, say something you told yourself you'd never repeat or, the most severe case, make the move you've in bed you've never had the courage to try and you could be either hero or villain.
4. INST: I Never Said That!!! This one is usually only contracted by men because most women have the unnerving ability to repeat conversations you had with them years ago, verbatim.
3. DTMML: Does This Make Me Look... It's a twisted trap as old as time. Why do women ask this question of a gender that yells at people on a television screen as though they can hear them? Men will smell their clothing to determine whether or not it can be worn. These same neanderthals will shove mold riddled food in your face and ask, "Does this smell like it's gone bad to you?" You trust their opinion of how an item might alter your appearance?!?!?
2. YOMH: You're On My Hair. My favorite malady because men, for centuries, have thought so much of their masculine prowess until they realize they're just ripping their partner's scalp from their head. Oh yeah, baby...
and the number one rare condition that only couples contract:
1. WTIIT: Who's Turn Is It To... a word of advice to men here... If you're asking the question, it's probably your turn. If the person you love is asking... it's still probably your turn. Just get up and do it, you knucklehead!
Monday, July 26, 2004
Sunday, July 25, 2004
The agony of da happy feet...
It's been a bittersweet day... and I want to get this over with quickly. Today's top ten was inspired by something Jackie thought was funny.
The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear After Visiting The Gym:
1o. Did those pants fit when you came in?
9. Actually, the limp makes you look kinda sad.
8. No, I don't think the Sound Of Music soundtrack is appropriate for working out.
7. Maybe you should consider taking a shower... again.
6. The doctor will see you now.
5. I'm afraid that we need to refund the rest of your membership fee, less the damages.
4. Poor posture, lack of endurance, unhealthy breathing... maybe you should give up the porn.
3. I'm sorry sir, I thought you were just crank calling 911 from your cellphone.
2. They call them sweats, not sponges.
and the number one thing you don't want to hear after you visit the gym:
1. Sure, you look great. If you're an anemic, injured, senior citizen.
The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear After Visiting The Gym:
1o. Did those pants fit when you came in?
9. Actually, the limp makes you look kinda sad.
8. No, I don't think the Sound Of Music soundtrack is appropriate for working out.
7. Maybe you should consider taking a shower... again.
6. The doctor will see you now.
5. I'm afraid that we need to refund the rest of your membership fee, less the damages.
4. Poor posture, lack of endurance, unhealthy breathing... maybe you should give up the porn.
3. I'm sorry sir, I thought you were just crank calling 911 from your cellphone.
2. They call them sweats, not sponges.
and the number one thing you don't want to hear after you visit the gym:
1. Sure, you look great. If you're an anemic, injured, senior citizen.
Friday, July 23, 2004
You never know what you'll do...
Fast-food is going to be the downfall of western civilization. You'll just have to trust me on this. Where else can you spend $4.99 on substances that can barely be pronounced, encouraged to super-size your ability to clog your arteries at the speed of grease and also get a refill for a quarter? People are so proud of their ability to provide cheap death in a bun that they put their names all over the stuff... Wendy's, Carl's Jr., McDonald's, Tommy's, etc. It wasn't called Hitler's they just call it the Holocaust but the casualty rate wasn't nearly as high...
Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored In A Fast-Food Restaurant:
10. Go to the counter and ask if they can "super-size something that's not on the menu."
9. Randomly ask people if they find the establishment "olfactory."
8. Wear a cape to the restaurant, jump up from your chair when you're done and run back to your car shouting, "I'll be right there!"
7. When they bring you your food ask if the "poor, defenseless animal was killed humanely or subjected to the horrors of an anonymous mass slaughter like it didn't even have a soul."
6. Ask if they offer alternatives to the "kid's meals" with appropriate toys like "Buddhist meals," "Hedonist plates," or "Sado-masochistic sack lunches."
5. Offer to "autograph" people's napkins.
4. When people try to sit at the table next to you don't look up from your meal but say, "Stop it. They can sit there if they want to. You can't make me do that."
3. Write "Official Straw Monitor" on a napkin, tuck it in your collar and pass straws out to people.
2. When the person at the counter asks if they can help you hold up four fingers and shout, "I'm this many!!"
and the number one thing to do when you're bored at a fast-food restaurant:
1. Leave an anonymous note for the manager saying, "I don't want to alarm you but I think the chair I was sitting in may actually be an exact replica of Malaysian shrine where 500 clowns lost their lives."
Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored In A Fast-Food Restaurant:
10. Go to the counter and ask if they can "super-size something that's not on the menu."
9. Randomly ask people if they find the establishment "olfactory."
8. Wear a cape to the restaurant, jump up from your chair when you're done and run back to your car shouting, "I'll be right there!"
7. When they bring you your food ask if the "poor, defenseless animal was killed humanely or subjected to the horrors of an anonymous mass slaughter like it didn't even have a soul."
6. Ask if they offer alternatives to the "kid's meals" with appropriate toys like "Buddhist meals," "Hedonist plates," or "Sado-masochistic sack lunches."
5. Offer to "autograph" people's napkins.
4. When people try to sit at the table next to you don't look up from your meal but say, "Stop it. They can sit there if they want to. You can't make me do that."
3. Write "Official Straw Monitor" on a napkin, tuck it in your collar and pass straws out to people.
2. When the person at the counter asks if they can help you hold up four fingers and shout, "I'm this many!!"
and the number one thing to do when you're bored at a fast-food restaurant:
1. Leave an anonymous note for the manager saying, "I don't want to alarm you but I think the chair I was sitting in may actually be an exact replica of Malaysian shrine where 500 clowns lost their lives."
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Top Ten Mania!
Okay, so tonight I'm trying to produce two top tens because I want to start doing two a day so that I can publish. I warn you, I'm a little jaded because I've had several days to consider the fact that I'm a recently working stiff trying to compete in a world where everyone wants to be self-employed. The first is one inspired while actually laughing during a very serious conversation I was having with Jackie. Sad, but true...
The Top Ten Novelty CDs That Just Never Made It©:
10. Bodily Noises From The Motion Picture Deliverence.
9. The Cast From "Who's Company?" Sing Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.
8. Don't You Want Me Baby by Sally Fields.
7. Lounge Songs From The Sixties by The Grateful Dead.
6. 100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall by Various Artists.
5. Ozzy Ozbourne Mumbles Shakespeare.
4. Binging And Purging To The Hits by Calista Flockhart.
3. Music To Spasm To by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
2. Rick James Sings About His Bitch.
and the number one novelty CD that just didn't make it:
1. Jailhouse Rock by Martha Stewart
Okay, and now for Top Ten number two...
The Top Ten Names For Celebrity Perfumes You'll Never See©:
10. Endorsement: Your name is worth more than you are.
9. Jagged Little Pill: How much can you swallow?
8. Cleavage: I'm up here... hello?!?!
7. Kids And Animals: Hollywood's not that bad... is it?
6. Danger: Put down the crack pipe.
5. Andy Warhol: "There's nothing behind it."
4. Puke: Try not to get it on you.
3. Fifteen Minutes: Save for a rainy day.
2. Purdy: A scent as fleeting as beauty.
and the number one celebrity perfume you'll never see:
1. Plastic Surgery: I'm as real as you want me to be.
The Top Ten Novelty CDs That Just Never Made It©:
10. Bodily Noises From The Motion Picture Deliverence.
9. The Cast From "Who's Company?" Sing Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.
8. Don't You Want Me Baby by Sally Fields.
7. Lounge Songs From The Sixties by The Grateful Dead.
6. 100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall by Various Artists.
5. Ozzy Ozbourne Mumbles Shakespeare.
4. Binging And Purging To The Hits by Calista Flockhart.
3. Music To Spasm To by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
2. Rick James Sings About His Bitch.
and the number one novelty CD that just didn't make it:
1. Jailhouse Rock by Martha Stewart
Okay, and now for Top Ten number two...
The Top Ten Names For Celebrity Perfumes You'll Never See©:
10. Endorsement: Your name is worth more than you are.
9. Jagged Little Pill: How much can you swallow?
8. Cleavage: I'm up here... hello?!?!
7. Kids And Animals: Hollywood's not that bad... is it?
6. Danger: Put down the crack pipe.
5. Andy Warhol: "There's nothing behind it."
4. Puke: Try not to get it on you.
3. Fifteen Minutes: Save for a rainy day.
2. Purdy: A scent as fleeting as beauty.
and the number one celebrity perfume you'll never see:
1. Plastic Surgery: I'm as real as you want me to be.
RIP Ray Charles.
I never met the man but I grieve his passing. I remember summer nights when I was younger being brought half to tears listening to this soul filled blind man, born in a segregated Albany, Georgia, sing, ironically, the national anthem. As a young man, Ray represented the tenacity it takes to overcome the steepest of mountains and still maintain the integrity of dreams and the ability to touch people with unbridled sincerity. What kind of man does it take to bare your soul to millions of people in the painful birthing process of creating a song? Especially when you know that your music will be criticized, scrutinized and rejected out of hand simply because people don't know how to believe that a successful black man can still have a pure talent. Ray, you set standards that will remain unchallenged for generations. Did you intend to change music? Did you intend to turn the entire musical world on it's ear with your music or did you just write a song because you enjoyed the music? God speed, Ray. You've earned your place in the celestial choir. In fact, I'm hoping that you're enjoying your new found place composing songs that bring God to tears the way yours did for me.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
What are you lookin' at?!?!
It's all crude mood and attitude around here lately. I live in a two bedroom apartment with three women. I ask you, wouldn't any sane man have his patience tested in the best of conditions??? Well, I just went from being a regular working stiff to being home twenty-four/seven. Hello? I love each and every one of these women, truly, but when tempers begin to fray and the monthly hormone explosion creates a shockwave that would level the crowd at a World Wrestling Federation match it's difficult not to hide behind a mask of indifference. I've been contributing my own brand of heartless comments without thinking about the sensitive ears listening. As it is, every person in this apartment has had her feelings hurt, several times, and I've said that I'm sorry more times than Oliver North. Family life can be a little hazardous... it's downright extreme when you're bipolar.
Today's top ten, therefore, is going to reflect my current situation...
The Top Ten Things To Install In A Luxury Doghouse:
10. Drool cloth dispenser.
9. High-Definition Smell-o-Vision.
8. Hot & cold running toilet water.
7. Authentic "Chase The Car" treadmill.
6. A.C.M.E. inflatable leg. (for those lonely nights at home)
5. Hydrant with infrared flush-o-matic sensor.
4. Crunchy cat crap vending machine.
3. "Just like the real thing" sun-lamp.
2. Butt-scent spray and sniff station.
and the number one thing to install in a luxury doghouse:
1. Ronco meaty bone burying oven.
Today's top ten, therefore, is going to reflect my current situation...
The Top Ten Things To Install In A Luxury Doghouse:
10. Drool cloth dispenser.
9. High-Definition Smell-o-Vision.
8. Hot & cold running toilet water.
7. Authentic "Chase The Car" treadmill.
6. A.C.M.E. inflatable leg. (for those lonely nights at home)
5. Hydrant with infrared flush-o-matic sensor.
4. Crunchy cat crap vending machine.
3. "Just like the real thing" sun-lamp.
2. Butt-scent spray and sniff station.
and the number one thing to install in a luxury doghouse:
1. Ronco meaty bone burying oven.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
What a difference a day makes.
It's too true. One minute you're bitching about how stressed out you are about everything and the next you're being told by your psychiatrist that you can't go back to work... wait, that actually makes sense. This morning Jackie sat down with me and we told my psychiatrist how difficult things have been for me recently. A three and a half to four hour commute and working so far from home. So the doctor told me that he's putting me on disability for three months. Uh, okay, where the hell did that come from?!?! Yesterday I was worried about looking for a job here in the valley and today I'm on disability? Yeah, twenty-four little hours. I can't say that I'm completely relieved but I'm not nearly as worried about finding the time to take care of things. Now Jackie and I can work, in earnest on getting our home-based business things started. I've got ideas for printing and selling some of my photography. She's going to be making hemp jewelry that we'll be selling on eBay, hopefully, and maybe at some of the local "flea market" events. We are going to work very hard on getting the two cookbooks together and ready for pitching to publishing companies. I'm going to gather some editorial type material to see if I can sell some of my writing. Jackie wants me to gather a collection of my top ten lists and possibly put together a book, so you saw it here first! And amongst it all I have time to find a good job nearby. Okay, so maybe the disability won't be so bad. Hey, I worry... it's how I got in this situation in the first place.
So, in that vain, and because tomorrow is my thirty-sixth birthday, today's top ten is going to be about worrying and the art of aging... gracefully... maybe.
The Top Ten Things People Ask When They Realize They're Getting Older:
10. Do chocolate chocolate chip cookies come in decaf?
9. How many calories does sex actually burn, anyway?
8. Is a Last Will and Testament just a way of avoiding a garage sale???
7. Does this job make me look fat?
6. Do my kids need an inheritance as much as I need a red convertible?
5. Why does my laundry look like a medieval torture chamber?
4. Do these pill organizers come in a briefcase version?
3. When is it actually okay to use the words "When I was your age"?
2. How many carbs do vitamins have?
and the number one thing people ask when they realize they're getting older:
1. Is hair really fashion or just lost and found?
So, in that vain, and because tomorrow is my thirty-sixth birthday, today's top ten is going to be about worrying and the art of aging... gracefully... maybe.
The Top Ten Things People Ask When They Realize They're Getting Older:
10. Do chocolate chocolate chip cookies come in decaf?
9. How many calories does sex actually burn, anyway?
8. Is a Last Will and Testament just a way of avoiding a garage sale???
7. Does this job make me look fat?
6. Do my kids need an inheritance as much as I need a red convertible?
5. Why does my laundry look like a medieval torture chamber?
4. Do these pill organizers come in a briefcase version?
3. When is it actually okay to use the words "When I was your age"?
2. How many carbs do vitamins have?
and the number one thing people ask when they realize they're getting older:
1. Is hair really fashion or just lost and found?
Friday, July 02, 2004
Do you know me? You don't know me!!!
1. What time do you get up? 6:AM when I'm working, when I'm not it usually depends on how long the COMA LASTS!
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Jackie, because she's reading this and will kill me if I don't say her. No, seriously.
3. Gold or silver? Golver... no, sild... wait... what's the question?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What the hell is a cinema?
5. What is/are your favorite TV show(s)? Power off and staring at Jackie...
6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee, woven wheat crackers and brie. (It's a rough life, but I don't have a stomach!)
7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Any self-help guru... throttling's too good for them.
8. What/who inspires you? Jackie, God gave her to me and she's my favorite, so there.
9. What is your middle name? Slightly-off-center... and Allen
10. Beach, City or Country? Country - fresh air, stars and wild, untamed animals... no, wait, that's the neighbours...
11. Favorite ice cream? Until recently it was peppermint, now it's no sugar added Klondike bars... cold chemical goodness
12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn? Lather and sprinkle it on, baby!
13. Favorite color? Olive green with a hint of "what is that?"
14. What kind of car do you drive? A little white piece of crap that I'm grateful for
15. Favorite sandwich? Cucumber, but I can't have bread
16. What characteristic do you despise? What characteristic... nyah, nyah, yada, yada, yada... Uh, mocking... hate it.
17. Favorite flower? Alstromeria for looks, Gardenia for fragrance and whole wheat for baking
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Back to DC... I wanna live in the Smithsonian...
19. What color is your bathroom? When it's clean, tan-ish... when it's not it's too hideous to open my eyes!!!!!!!!
20. Favorite brand of clothing? Geoffrey Beene, if you must know.
21. Where would you retire to? Grass Valley, CA...
22. Favorite day of the week? Payday
23. What did you do for your last birthday? *hic*
24. When is your Birthday? Monday (no, really)
25. Where were you born? Spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, I think
26. Favorite sport to watch? Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Niners! Woohoo!
27. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? (insert your name here)
28. Person you expect to send it back first? Skippy the wonder hamster
29. What fabric detergent do you use? The white, powdery one with little flecks
30. Coke or Pepsi? diet Dr. Pepper (I like being different, too)
31. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Insomniac, hello?
32. What is your shoe size? 13 wide or 14... I know, I know... Sasquatch borrows my shoes
33. Do you have any pets? 3 cats, 2 kids and one very angry dust bunny that is trying to kill me in my sleep
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Jackie, because she's reading this and will kill me if I don't say her. No, seriously.
3. Gold or silver? Golver... no, sild... wait... what's the question?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What the hell is a cinema?
5. What is/are your favorite TV show(s)? Power off and staring at Jackie...
6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee, woven wheat crackers and brie. (It's a rough life, but I don't have a stomach!)
7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Any self-help guru... throttling's too good for them.
8. What/who inspires you? Jackie, God gave her to me and she's my favorite, so there.
9. What is your middle name? Slightly-off-center... and Allen
10. Beach, City or Country? Country - fresh air, stars and wild, untamed animals... no, wait, that's the neighbours...
11. Favorite ice cream? Until recently it was peppermint, now it's no sugar added Klondike bars... cold chemical goodness
12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn? Lather and sprinkle it on, baby!
13. Favorite color? Olive green with a hint of "what is that?"
14. What kind of car do you drive? A little white piece of crap that I'm grateful for
15. Favorite sandwich? Cucumber, but I can't have bread
16. What characteristic do you despise? What characteristic... nyah, nyah, yada, yada, yada... Uh, mocking... hate it.
17. Favorite flower? Alstromeria for looks, Gardenia for fragrance and whole wheat for baking
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Back to DC... I wanna live in the Smithsonian...
19. What color is your bathroom? When it's clean, tan-ish... when it's not it's too hideous to open my eyes!!!!!!!!
20. Favorite brand of clothing? Geoffrey Beene, if you must know.
21. Where would you retire to? Grass Valley, CA...
22. Favorite day of the week? Payday
23. What did you do for your last birthday? *hic*
24. When is your Birthday? Monday (no, really)
25. Where were you born? Spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, I think
26. Favorite sport to watch? Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Niners! Woohoo!
27. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? (insert your name here)
28. Person you expect to send it back first? Skippy the wonder hamster
29. What fabric detergent do you use? The white, powdery one with little flecks
30. Coke or Pepsi? diet Dr. Pepper (I like being different, too)
31. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Insomniac, hello?
32. What is your shoe size? 13 wide or 14... I know, I know... Sasquatch borrows my shoes
33. Do you have any pets? 3 cats, 2 kids and one very angry dust bunny that is trying to kill me in my sleep
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Usted es a veces el insecto, baby.
Today reminded me of a joke I used to tell a lot...
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits the windshield?
His ass.
I'm also inspired to quote the great Dire Straits song "The Bug"
well it's a strange old game - you learn it slow
one step forward and it's back to go
you're standing on the throttle
you're standing on the breaks
in the groove 'til you make a mistake
(chorus)
sometimes you're the windshield
sometimes you're the bug
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're a fool in love
sometimes you're the louisville slugger
sometimes you're the ball
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're going to lose it all
you gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
because you're gonna know lonely
and you're gonna know bad
when you're rippin' and a ridin'
and you're coming on strong
you start slippin' and slidin'
and it all goes wrong because
(chorus)
one day you got the glory
one day you got none
one day you're a diamond
and then you're a stone
everything can change
in the blink of an eye
so let the good times roll
before we say goodbye, because
(chorus)
Today I'm gonna do the Top Ten Things You'd Never Want To See At Your Own Funeral:
10. A kiosk full of AOL disks. (They're everywhere!!!)
9. Pews with high speed internet access ports. (Just let it go...)
8. A one man protest group. (I want a crowd, dammit!)
7. Casket paid for by product placement. (It worked for Dale Earnhard) (I think I just earned my crowd...)
6. A bouncer enforcing a two dollar cover charge. (Instead, have a three drink minimum!)
5. Any member of Menudo. (New, old, they're all icky.)
4. IRS agents and a state trooper. (Haven't you guys got enough???)
3. Political figures I voted for. (You've disappointed me enough, go away.)
2. Religious people that normally mug you at the airport. (I'm dead, no saving me now.)
and the number one thing you'd never want to see at your own funeral:
1. Three words... Schlitz Malt Liquor! (Don't forget to spill some for me homies!)
I'm outtie! Peace!
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits the windshield?
His ass.
I'm also inspired to quote the great Dire Straits song "The Bug"
well it's a strange old game - you learn it slow
one step forward and it's back to go
you're standing on the throttle
you're standing on the breaks
in the groove 'til you make a mistake
(chorus)
sometimes you're the windshield
sometimes you're the bug
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're a fool in love
sometimes you're the louisville slugger
sometimes you're the ball
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're going to lose it all
you gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
because you're gonna know lonely
and you're gonna know bad
when you're rippin' and a ridin'
and you're coming on strong
you start slippin' and slidin'
and it all goes wrong because
(chorus)
one day you got the glory
one day you got none
one day you're a diamond
and then you're a stone
everything can change
in the blink of an eye
so let the good times roll
before we say goodbye, because
(chorus)
Today I'm gonna do the Top Ten Things You'd Never Want To See At Your Own Funeral:
10. A kiosk full of AOL disks. (They're everywhere!!!)
9. Pews with high speed internet access ports. (Just let it go...)
8. A one man protest group. (I want a crowd, dammit!)
7. Casket paid for by product placement. (It worked for Dale Earnhard) (I think I just earned my crowd...)
6. A bouncer enforcing a two dollar cover charge. (Instead, have a three drink minimum!)
5. Any member of Menudo. (New, old, they're all icky.)
4. IRS agents and a state trooper. (Haven't you guys got enough???)
3. Political figures I voted for. (You've disappointed me enough, go away.)
2. Religious people that normally mug you at the airport. (I'm dead, no saving me now.)
and the number one thing you'd never want to see at your own funeral:
1. Three words... Schlitz Malt Liquor! (Don't forget to spill some for me homies!)
I'm outtie! Peace!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Monday, June 28, 2004
Blah, blah, blog...
It's been a very long weekend... starting with meeting my fiancée at the hospital on Wednesday, staying there until four in the morning to find out she's got a kidney stone, missing work on Thursday, disappointing the kids and cancelling our Disneyland trip on Friday, working on my father's computer on Saturday and spending Sunday depressed out of my skull but working up a nice anxiety attack and a huge case of "dumping syndrome" anyway.
It's my life and right now I'm at work wishing that I had a bottle of whiskey waiting at home.
Instead, I'm blessed to be able to return home to my three girls and I have to remind myself that they're the most important things in my life.
So, in order to escape without the alcohol it's time to come up with...
The Top Ten Reasons Estrogen Is Better Than Alcohol.
10. It kicks your ass and KEEPS ON KICKING!
9. No jury ever acquitted because of an "alcohol defense."
8. I only feel embarassed at the checkout stand once a month. (think about it)
7. Brawling, cursing, fits of uncontrollable rage, loud music... once a month it's a party!
6. I love you, get away from me, I love you, get away from me... schizophrenia with no cover charge.
5. I'm starting to think the cats are the only ones that actually listen to me.
4. I can't fight off the desire to drink with chocolate.
3. God is a marketing genius because men fall for the packaging every time!
2. Hey, no one ever heard of the bottle behind the man, did they?
and the number one reason that estrogen is better than alcohol is:
1. There are far fewer people attending support groups to get over it.
We do get over it, don't we? Hello? Hello?
Instead, I'm blessed to be able to return home to my three girls and I have to remind myself that they're the most important things in my life.
So, in order to escape without the alcohol it's time to come up with...
The Top Ten Reasons Estrogen Is Better Than Alcohol.
10. It kicks your ass and KEEPS ON KICKING!
9. No jury ever acquitted because of an "alcohol defense."
8. I only feel embarassed at the checkout stand once a month. (think about it)
7. Brawling, cursing, fits of uncontrollable rage, loud music... once a month it's a party!
6. I love you, get away from me, I love you, get away from me... schizophrenia with no cover charge.
5. I'm starting to think the cats are the only ones that actually listen to me.
4. I can't fight off the desire to drink with chocolate.
3. God is a marketing genius because men fall for the packaging every time!
2. Hey, no one ever heard of the bottle behind the man, did they?
and the number one reason that estrogen is better than alcohol is:
1. There are far fewer people attending support groups to get over it.
We do get over it, don't we? Hello? Hello?
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
What the...?
Okay, so today's listing is all about an educational institution I need to gripe about.
I won't name any names but it's an online university that comes from the capital of Arizona. Wink, wink, nudge nudge. I can't say who it is because they are the BIGGEST client for the company I work for. Who am I kidding? They'd be ANYONE's biggest client that deals with education. The organization, as a whole, appears to be reputable and offers a lot of service to their students/clients/customers... whatever. The material they are studying is valid, granted. But when I find out that they're demanding that we take course material that we designed for a twenty to twenty-two week course at a "regular" higher learning facility and cram it into one of their five week courses I cringe. When I learn that they want their students to accelerate through the curriculum by allowing them to complete topics by answering one question correctly instead of five I'm aghast. When I get calls from these very students and they don't have the basic computer skills of a five year old child with severe learning disabilities I get very upset. Upset, hell, I'm pissed. These neophytes are getting a sub-level education, paying way too much and waving their pseudo-diplomas around like they've really accomplished something. I've got news for these knuckleheads. I've met people that got one of their "certified graduate" certificates and I've met people with bona fide diplomas in the exact same subjects. My money's on the ones that went to accredited higher learning facilities. Sure, it took them five times as long, they had to put up with underpaid, overworked professors who may not actually have "real world" experience in their chosen fields, but they seem to have a brain, common sense and the ability to avoid pissing on their own shoes. The business class students I've talked to from some schools are sometimes pushy but rarely outright rude. The students from the online circus tend to be so rude their ego needs it's own freakin' atmosphere.
Well, I could go on, and I will eventually, but it's my lunch hour and I should probably actually eat something.
One of their "diplomas" is currently being used as a trivot on my desk.
I won't name any names but it's an online university that comes from the capital of Arizona. Wink, wink, nudge nudge. I can't say who it is because they are the BIGGEST client for the company I work for. Who am I kidding? They'd be ANYONE's biggest client that deals with education. The organization, as a whole, appears to be reputable and offers a lot of service to their students/clients/customers... whatever. The material they are studying is valid, granted. But when I find out that they're demanding that we take course material that we designed for a twenty to twenty-two week course at a "regular" higher learning facility and cram it into one of their five week courses I cringe. When I learn that they want their students to accelerate through the curriculum by allowing them to complete topics by answering one question correctly instead of five I'm aghast. When I get calls from these very students and they don't have the basic computer skills of a five year old child with severe learning disabilities I get very upset. Upset, hell, I'm pissed. These neophytes are getting a sub-level education, paying way too much and waving their pseudo-diplomas around like they've really accomplished something. I've got news for these knuckleheads. I've met people that got one of their "certified graduate" certificates and I've met people with bona fide diplomas in the exact same subjects. My money's on the ones that went to accredited higher learning facilities. Sure, it took them five times as long, they had to put up with underpaid, overworked professors who may not actually have "real world" experience in their chosen fields, but they seem to have a brain, common sense and the ability to avoid pissing on their own shoes. The business class students I've talked to from some schools are sometimes pushy but rarely outright rude. The students from the online circus tend to be so rude their ego needs it's own freakin' atmosphere.
Well, I could go on, and I will eventually, but it's my lunch hour and I should probably actually eat something.
One of their "diplomas" is currently being used as a trivot on my desk.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Let's contemplate our navel...
No, the one on the orange. Get your fingers outta there, you weirdo!
I'm still on this spam rampage. These people are a menace. Honestly. I'm just glad that they're only wasting a few electrons and people's time. The rate at which they'd be killing trees before the advent of the internet is staggering. So, in order to get it out of my system, off my chest and into your lives I've decided I need to dedicate a top ten to them.
The Top Ten Responses To Spam:
10. Thank you for informing me of my penile inadequacy, but I'm a woman.
9. Please file my application for dating services under "lonely inmates with a photographic memory."
8. If your pharmacy needs any new suppliers I can hook you up with my cousin Fernando in Colombia.
7. Please send all copies of your software titles to the address of your local FBI office listed below.
6. My gawd!! That's the best rate ever! And you can finance people with no job, bad credit and a list of fraud charges a mile long, right?
5. Um, I love you, too... Who are you?
4. Mail System Error, huh? That's okay, I'll send it via carrier rhino, next time.
3. Thank you. You've just sent your webcam invitation to a lonely, violent sex offender with no impulse control.
2. Please send me more information on how to get rid of you.
and the number one response to spam:
1. I would like to say thank you by ordering a round of laxatives for your entire organization.
I'm still on this spam rampage. These people are a menace. Honestly. I'm just glad that they're only wasting a few electrons and people's time. The rate at which they'd be killing trees before the advent of the internet is staggering. So, in order to get it out of my system, off my chest and into your lives I've decided I need to dedicate a top ten to them.
The Top Ten Responses To Spam:
10. Thank you for informing me of my penile inadequacy, but I'm a woman.
9. Please file my application for dating services under "lonely inmates with a photographic memory."
8. If your pharmacy needs any new suppliers I can hook you up with my cousin Fernando in Colombia.
7. Please send all copies of your software titles to the address of your local FBI office listed below.
6. My gawd!! That's the best rate ever! And you can finance people with no job, bad credit and a list of fraud charges a mile long, right?
5. Um, I love you, too... Who are you?
4. Mail System Error, huh? That's okay, I'll send it via carrier rhino, next time.
3. Thank you. You've just sent your webcam invitation to a lonely, violent sex offender with no impulse control.
2. Please send me more information on how to get rid of you.
and the number one response to spam:
1. I would like to say thank you by ordering a round of laxatives for your entire organization.
Monday, June 21, 2004
My house and home...
Sitting here, at a laptop I didn't buy, on a table I didn't choose, drinking diet Dr. Pepper from a glass that I did buy... at a dollar store. This is my life. I work a nine hour day and have to be on the freeway for three and a half hours to do it. I get up at six o'clock in the morning and leave for work by seven-thirty to get home at eight and be in bed, hopefully, by eleven. Just to do it all over again...
Why?
Because this is my house (okay, apartment and it's a rental) and it's my home. I live here. The woman that lived here first invited me into her life and does things for me every day to prove to me that she loves me. The kids actually tell me they love me and they mean it. Teenagers don't tell anybody they love them unless they want something. I should know, I was a teenaqer, once, briefly... a lifetime ago.
My home, my family, my life. I accept it, I work for it and I need to appreciate it for what it is. A blessing. So tonight I'm grateful. I'm loved. I'm safe. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. My bed. That's all I need.
Why?
Because this is my house (okay, apartment and it's a rental) and it's my home. I live here. The woman that lived here first invited me into her life and does things for me every day to prove to me that she loves me. The kids actually tell me they love me and they mean it. Teenagers don't tell anybody they love them unless they want something. I should know, I was a teenaqer, once, briefly... a lifetime ago.
My home, my family, my life. I accept it, I work for it and I need to appreciate it for what it is. A blessing. So tonight I'm grateful. I'm loved. I'm safe. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. My bed. That's all I need.
It just occured to me...
I can use this blog to gripe about anything I want. I finally have a way to bitch about all the spam I get at home and, more especially, at work! I'm not joking, here. I have to filter THOUSANDS of junk e-mail every single day. After a normal weekend my filters caught eight thousand out of ten thousand junk e-mails. But I spent the first two hours of my day just going through the rest.
I'm telling the world at large, right now...
I don't want to gain three inches, it'll ruin my whole wardrobe.
I've no interest in lasting thirty-six hours, that would kill my fiancee.
I don't want to sign up for a dating service for horny housewives, they need marriage counseling instead.
I don't need every e-mail address in the world on one CD, I can barely keep track of my address book as it is.
I don't believe that an internet millionaire wants to share his secrets with me.
I don't believe that I can't share in the inheritance from the death of an African royal.
I'm aware that my computer may contain a virus, website information, cookies and various pastries, as well. Your product isn't needed to delete it. I know how to clear my cache, site history and use my freakin' delete key.
I don't believe I sent you an application for a damn mortgage.
No one told you that I'd be fun to talk to and should check out your pics.
I've no interest in the key to four hundred porn sites... hell, I don't even want one.
I don't want/need prescription medication for impotence, hair loss (okay, I may need that one) or pain from an offshore pharmacy that has the lowest prices.
I don't want to learn how to stop annoying e-mails from the people sending them to me.
I can't read Chinese, Korean or Russian and the German I know tells me that the guys sending all the e-mails about German tourists being murdered needs to start his own online zine and leave the rest of the news to the professionals because I don't want it in my damned inbox.
I invest poorly enough on my own (I own several shares of an investment company that I worked for) and I don't need advice from random e-mails.
No, I'm not fat anymore, but you calling me that wouldn't entice me to buy your stinking pills.
My fiancee has not informed me that she'll leave me if I don't buy your product that will magically make me a legendary love god... you lied to me and that makes me very angry. Go away.
Your software prices aren't the cheapest and I don't want to pay to have illegal pirated copies shipped from India, Korea or anywhere else overseas, thanks.
I haven't even financed the first time so I don't need to refinance, besides I get enough crap about my lousy credit from people I trust.
My final observation...
If you don't know how to spell I'M NOT BUYING ANYTHING FROM YOU!
Have a great Monday, everybody, and keep smiling!
I'm telling the world at large, right now...
I don't want to gain three inches, it'll ruin my whole wardrobe.
I've no interest in lasting thirty-six hours, that would kill my fiancee.
I don't want to sign up for a dating service for horny housewives, they need marriage counseling instead.
I don't need every e-mail address in the world on one CD, I can barely keep track of my address book as it is.
I don't believe that an internet millionaire wants to share his secrets with me.
I don't believe that I can't share in the inheritance from the death of an African royal.
I'm aware that my computer may contain a virus, website information, cookies and various pastries, as well. Your product isn't needed to delete it. I know how to clear my cache, site history and use my freakin' delete key.
I don't believe I sent you an application for a damn mortgage.
No one told you that I'd be fun to talk to and should check out your pics.
I've no interest in the key to four hundred porn sites... hell, I don't even want one.
I don't want/need prescription medication for impotence, hair loss (okay, I may need that one) or pain from an offshore pharmacy that has the lowest prices.
I don't want to learn how to stop annoying e-mails from the people sending them to me.
I can't read Chinese, Korean or Russian and the German I know tells me that the guys sending all the e-mails about German tourists being murdered needs to start his own online zine and leave the rest of the news to the professionals because I don't want it in my damned inbox.
I invest poorly enough on my own (I own several shares of an investment company that I worked for) and I don't need advice from random e-mails.
No, I'm not fat anymore, but you calling me that wouldn't entice me to buy your stinking pills.
My fiancee has not informed me that she'll leave me if I don't buy your product that will magically make me a legendary love god... you lied to me and that makes me very angry. Go away.
Your software prices aren't the cheapest and I don't want to pay to have illegal pirated copies shipped from India, Korea or anywhere else overseas, thanks.
I haven't even financed the first time so I don't need to refinance, besides I get enough crap about my lousy credit from people I trust.
My final observation...
If you don't know how to spell I'M NOT BUYING ANYTHING FROM YOU!
Have a great Monday, everybody, and keep smiling!
Sunday, June 20, 2004
My own Father's Day...
Today was a good day. I got nothing done and I enjoyed every minute of it.
My gorgeous fiancee woke me up at five o'clock this morning for a brief but very intense discussion... yeah, that's it. Then, a couple of hours later, her beautiful face was next to the bed and directly behind her the two sweet faces of her daughters. Well, our daughters. Very soon I'll be marrying into this wonderful little family and I'm adopting the girls as my own. For so many years I've been a father without my children, but now I have found a woman who wants me, needs me and loves me as much as I love her. Along with her come two incredible kids who want me, need me and love me as much as I love them. What else am I going to do but love them for the rest of my life. This year's Father's Day was the sweetest I've ever had. I hope they are all this good. The eight year old made a simple card from printer paper and crayons. It was a masterpiece. The thirteen year old made me breakfast. Because of my gastric bypass surgery I just can't eat much at one sitting. It was simply a handful of whole wheat wafers with cream cheese and half an avocado with a strong cup of coffee. Perfect.
Of course, after a sumptuous meal what's better than a mid-morning snooze. I slept until eleven, when my fiancee came back into our bedroom and we took up the same topic we were discussing early that morning. Bliss.
We then went to the store where I attempted to purchase all the things we needed to prepare a large meal for both of my parents, my mother's birthday was last week. Well, it cost more money than I expected and took longer to prepare than I wanted to spend but it was a better than average meal that everyone enjoyed. Joy
Today's top ten is all about being a Dad.
The Top Ten Things Dad's Get Out of Father's Day:
10. This card is made from 100% recycled paper... and so is your tie.
9. Happy Father's Day... Can I borrow the car?
8. Sorry Dad, I didn't know that you were allergic to shellfish.
7. Honey, are you going to actually sleep all day?
6. It's perfectly normal for a grown man to cry.
5. It tastes great, (hack) honest. No, (cough) really, there's just (gag) enough pepper, sweetie. (sneeze)
4. We even got the dog to sign your card... that's what that smell is.
3. A little turpentine, a claw hammer, some chlorine bleach and a hasp should take that right out.
2. We didn't know what your first name was so we had it engraved "Dude."
and the number one thing Dad's get out of Father's Day:
1. Baby, I'm all gift wrapped... wanna open your present?
My gorgeous fiancee woke me up at five o'clock this morning for a brief but very intense discussion... yeah, that's it. Then, a couple of hours later, her beautiful face was next to the bed and directly behind her the two sweet faces of her daughters. Well, our daughters. Very soon I'll be marrying into this wonderful little family and I'm adopting the girls as my own. For so many years I've been a father without my children, but now I have found a woman who wants me, needs me and loves me as much as I love her. Along with her come two incredible kids who want me, need me and love me as much as I love them. What else am I going to do but love them for the rest of my life. This year's Father's Day was the sweetest I've ever had. I hope they are all this good. The eight year old made a simple card from printer paper and crayons. It was a masterpiece. The thirteen year old made me breakfast. Because of my gastric bypass surgery I just can't eat much at one sitting. It was simply a handful of whole wheat wafers with cream cheese and half an avocado with a strong cup of coffee. Perfect.
Of course, after a sumptuous meal what's better than a mid-morning snooze. I slept until eleven, when my fiancee came back into our bedroom and we took up the same topic we were discussing early that morning. Bliss.
We then went to the store where I attempted to purchase all the things we needed to prepare a large meal for both of my parents, my mother's birthday was last week. Well, it cost more money than I expected and took longer to prepare than I wanted to spend but it was a better than average meal that everyone enjoyed. Joy
Today's top ten is all about being a Dad.
The Top Ten Things Dad's Get Out of Father's Day:
10. This card is made from 100% recycled paper... and so is your tie.
9. Happy Father's Day... Can I borrow the car?
8. Sorry Dad, I didn't know that you were allergic to shellfish.
7. Honey, are you going to actually sleep all day?
6. It's perfectly normal for a grown man to cry.
5. It tastes great, (hack) honest. No, (cough) really, there's just (gag) enough pepper, sweetie. (sneeze)
4. We even got the dog to sign your card... that's what that smell is.
3. A little turpentine, a claw hammer, some chlorine bleach and a hasp should take that right out.
2. We didn't know what your first name was so we had it engraved "Dude."
and the number one thing Dad's get out of Father's Day:
1. Baby, I'm all gift wrapped... wanna open your present?
Friday, June 18, 2004
Top Ten for the weekend.
This is a regular thing for me. Whenever I think of something I start breaking it down into categories and sub-groups. Out of that is born a natural need to turn my twisted sense of humor into a list. Call it an Obsessive Compulsive Bi-Polar thing. Call it stupid. Call it Milo... I don't care. But it's my special thing and I'm going to run with it. Today's top ten is inspired by the fact that it's Friday and I've got a whole weekend of nothing important to do.
Top Ten things this dork can waste an entire weekend with:
10. You're reading it...
9. Lord of the Rings trilogy - extended edition (the kids will do Golem for a week)
8. I must resist the power of eBay!
7. Wi-Fi, baby.
6. No credit card required. (if you know what this means seek help)
5. So many deals at Fry's, so little money. sigh...
4. Where the hell are my pants???
3. I have a digital camera, half a tank of gas and it's summer in Southern CA... hmm.
2. I wonder how my Sims characters are doing.
and the number one thing this dorky dork can waste an entire weekend with:
1. Where the hell are your pants???
I'm going home. I'm sure I'll have more from the "apartment of doom."
Top Ten things this dork can waste an entire weekend with:
10. You're reading it...
9. Lord of the Rings trilogy - extended edition (the kids will do Golem for a week)
8. I must resist the power of eBay!
7. Wi-Fi, baby.
6. No credit card required. (if you know what this means seek help)
5. So many deals at Fry's, so little money. sigh...
4. Where the hell are my pants???
3. I have a digital camera, half a tank of gas and it's summer in Southern CA... hmm.
2. I wonder how my Sims characters are doing.
and the number one thing this dorky dork can waste an entire weekend with:
1. Where the hell are your pants???
I'm going home. I'm sure I'll have more from the "apartment of doom."
Let the bitching begin!!!
Most of the blogs that I read are just one more way for people to complain. This one isn't going to be any different. However, I tend to register my complaints from the twisted viewpoint of someone with a deep-seated need to point at the rest of the world and laugh. Otherwise I may start listening to the voices in my head and no one wants that. I feel the need to customize my new toy. More later.
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