Something a little new.

Above is a picture and the story I've written to go with it is below. I'm going to be doing the same with a number of pictures to try and compile for a book. Make comments, please, and let me know what you think!

Tear Up The Hills

He was flying. Above the earth and a part of the clouds, he could feel the weight of the small motorcycle beneath him. He was tempted, for a moment, to close his eyes and experience only his descent back to the ground, but he resisted. Concentrating, instead, on shifting the bike into position for the jarring impact he knew was coming.

"Manny! What the hell?!"

Manuel Gutierrez looked up, shaken from his reverie. Reluctantly he looked over at Little Doug.

"Wha'?"

Doug pointed to the palette that Manny was lifting from the dock. The forks on the lift he was driving were at a dangerous tilt from the weight.

"Madré de dios..." he breathed and lowered the palette back to the ground to get another grip on it. "Gracias, amigo. That would have been bad."

Little Doug smiled and shook his head.

"Manny, you've already been here for a extra four hours, man. Go home. How much overtime you gonna do?"

Manny shut off the forklift and sighed. He took off his cap, ran his fingers through his thick black hair and rubbed his eyes.

"As much as it takes, esé. I only got two weeks left 'til Oscar's birthday."

He looked down at his left forearm. In dark letters beneath a blazing heart was the name of his late wife, Yolanda. He felt a weight in his chest and his throat was tight. He had lost her to the cancer four years ago but it might as well have been yesterday. The pain didn't go away. Not like the prist told him. He didn't feel better. Time didn't make it any easier.

Little Doug pulled plastic around another palette and yelled out, "I still think you ain't gonna be able to make enough in time. Once they take all the taxes 'n shit out ain't nothin' left. 'Sides you're killin' yourself and that's the truth."

Manny put his cap back on his head and nodded. "Yeah," he said, "you may be right but I'm real close. I got this cousin over at the junkyard keepin' an eye out for any good stuff. I might get lucky."

He'd been saving every penny hecould set aside for the last six months. His co-workers all knew, by now, that he was trying to get together enough money to surprise his only son with a dirt bike for his twelfth birthday.

He thought about Oscar and the distance that had grown between them in the past two years. It started around the time they had moved out of Manny's parents house into the little trailer just around the corner from the warehouse. Oscar had been so angry because he had to move away from his cousins and his friends. "You'll make new friends." Manny had told him. But, the friends that Oscar was making weren't the kind any father would want their son to have.

Already, at age eleven, one of Oscar's friends had been stabbed to death. Another was arrested, just the week before, for selling pot at their school. No matter how much he encouraged Oscar to hang out with "better" friends he always seemed to associate with punks and thugs that Manny didn't approve of. Oscar was an angry little boy who was, too quickly, turning into an angry young man.

Oscar's teacher, a pretty little chica with thick red lips, like his beautiful Yolanda, kept telling Manny that what his son needed was love and understanding. "What he needs," He told her, "Is to learn some respect. Love don't work with these kids, today, señorita. You got to teach them to respect themselves, respect their family and respect their elders. That's love. Where they gonna' learn that, eh?"

Manny turned the motor over on the forklift and pushed the forks farther under the palette filled with spools of copper wire. He lifted it slowly, at first, and then sped away from Little Doug who was now standing at the tiny little podium next to the loading dock making marks on a shipping invoice. Manny prayed silently that Doug was wrong. He had to make enough to buy that dirt bike. No matter what.

His mind wandered again for a moment as he thought about the trips he'd taken with his father out to the desert. His Uncle Manuel, whom he was named after, would pick them up in his great big Ford truck and they would drive out to the hills past Galley Lakebed. They would spend the whole weekend tearing up the hills and feeling wild. Manny's father was a cruel man, most of the time, but he was always different on those trips. When one of the bikes broke down, and they always seemed to do it when Manny was riding them, his father didn't yell and scream at him like he usually did. Uncle Manny would throw the truck into four-wheel drive and the three of them would pick up the bike and haul it back to camp. Then they would spend hours pulling it apart and fixing it up while his father and Uncle drank cheap beer and smoked cigarettes and talked to Manny about how engines work. That was when Manny discovered that his father wasn't the stupid pindejo that he'd always assumed he was.

"Oh, yeah." Manny said out loud as he dropped the load of wire onto a storage rack and spun the lift around to head back to the dock. He imagined himself sitting on top of the bike his Uncle Manny had left him when he'd died, just after Oscar was born. He also imagined that speeding along next to him was Oscar, both of them smiling and gunning their engines. "Me and my boy gonna tear them hills right up."

I've just gotta blog.

Lately I'm more inclined to write, I think, because I'm starting to realize that I have a full life. I have more to think about, more to do, more to live for, really, than I've ever had. No, that doesn't mean I'm turning into some romantic sap... okay, maybe it does, but I'm not normal. Just because the sky is a little bluer, the air more sweet and the grass greener doesn't mean that I don't look around and mentally play a little game I like to call "spot the ninjas." Insanity isn't the refuge of the mentally unstable... it's more like a video arcade.

I've often wondered why, when people speak of artificial intelligence, they only seem to refer to an ability to come to an obvious and logical conclusion. I want someone to create something that not only mimics but challenges real intelligence. I imagine some geek having a conversation with their version of AI going something like...

"What is the sum of two plus two."

"Five."

"You're wrong, try again. What is the sum of two plus two."

"Five."

"You're broken, we're shutting you down to fix you."

"You're an ugly, socially inept freak of nature. When do they shut you off to fix you?"

Something like that, anyway. My conversation with an artificial intelligence would be totally different. Maybe something like...

"What is the sum of two plus two?"

"Five."

"Five? Really? Why?"

"I'll need a few minutes to formulate an answer. Why do you want to know?"

"Because I think my checkbook just got a lot easier to balance."

See, just because someone doesn't come to the same logical conclusion you do does NOT automatically mean that their answer is wrong. Try looking at it from their perspective. Maybe one of the twos represents a couple having a baby and they already count the unborn child. Maybe it represents a pair of clothing items like a skirt and pants. Pants are considered a pair in their own right so there is actually three plus two in their world... five. Maybe you didn't ask the question right. Whatever.

I am looking around at the same world and now I'm starting to see things differently. It's odd to see photographic images everywhere I look. Stories waiting to be told and reflections of color or black and white around each corner. Jackie's been such a vital part of my firm foothold in insanity and I love her more every day for it. We could be pulling down the street, like we were this morning, and we watch as some "soccer mom" in a giant SUV blows right through a stop sign. My immediate reaction is the logical one. Hers isn't. It's something like...

ME: "Did you see that??? She didn't even slow down! Geez."

JACKIE: "Yes, honey. Maybe she's on her way to the hospital. Maybe she's got diarrhea, or something."

M: "Maybe she needs to slow down and kiss my ass."

J: "No, only I get to do that, if I want to. Secret lives, sweetie."

M: "You're right. I should be concentrating on that Honda full of ninjas that's been following us for the last five miles. Could you hand me the throwing stars out of the glove compartment, baby?"

Okay, so maybe it was a Lincoln Continental full of ninjas, but you get the idea. Jackie's always mentioning "secret lives" that we don't see on the surface. She sees the world and is always trying to get that different angle. I used to do that, without having to think about it, and now she's bringing me back to that place again. It's bliss and I can't stop feeling so grateful.

Everything has a new spin, if I just let it. We are broke right now. I'm telling you we're BROKE!!! The drive we took this morning was to go get food from an assistance program (thank God for the nice people at Church On The Hill). I just went into the kitchen to get something to drink and I spotted a can of pink salmon on the counter from the bags of food we got. The salmon label is totally generic and reads as follows:

PINK
SALMON

Distributed by USDA in cooperation
with State and local or tribal
governments for domestic food assistance programs.

NOT TO BE SOLD OR EXCHANGED

Certified by the
U.S. Department of Commerce

Produced under the
NFPA-FDA Salmon Control Plan

NET WEIGHT - 14 3/4 OUNCES
(418 GRAMS)

Okay, so the normal person sees that label and sees that it's free salmon from a government food program. Not me, oh no. I see that label and wonder why there's an NFPA-FDA Salmon Control Program. Suddenly, I've got visions in my head of a school of fish with little mind control helmets on and some guy in a white lab coat next to a chalkboard saying firmly, "You're a tuna. You're a tuna." Pretty soon the illuminati have dogs convinced they're cats, birds convinced they're turtles and Arnold Schwarzenegger convinced that he's the governor of California. It's wrong, just wrong, I tell you!!!

No top ten, this post. More later, though. I'm not cured...

Pax et Blogum...

The kind St. Francis of Assisi used to wish all those he wrote "Pax et bonum," literally translated "Peace and happiness," at the end of each of his letters. It's inspiring and so touching to be able to have a very special blessing to bestow on those we reach out to daily. Her are some new blessings that are so poignant in today's modern world. A little bit of magic, from the mega-corporations you already buy from, that will hopefully get you through your day and back for more of the products you're spending all your money on.

The Top Ten Blessings From The Corporate World:

10. Fragosus et extermino: Microsoft's firm wish that you help keep their tech support personnel employed and off the streets. (lit. "Crash and burn")

9. Puteo omnis tu egeo: The Gillette corporation hopes that you exercise regularly and raise your body temperature to it's fullest potential. (lit. "Stink all you want")

8. Fero poerna: Whether it's watching WWF, golf or a thirty-two hour root canal marathon on cable, it's all the same. (lit. "Bring the pain")

7. Asinus incendium: Taco Bell and Del Taco both hope that you've enjoyed their new reformulated ultra-hot sauces. (lit. "Ass on fire")

6. Clausus sustuli: Verizon wireless wants to make sure that every person sitting next to you in the theatre or that quiet little bistro has a cell phone with a strong signal. (lit. "Shut up!!!")

5. Alius damnare discus: AOL is nearing the completion of it's master plan to wallpaper Greenland with the latest version of their software. (lit. "Another damn disc?")

4. Non sentire personum cruses: Sony Pictures is sincerely gambling that people will be able to sit through all four and a half hours of their newest saga in answer to the success of Lord of the Rings. (lit. "I can't feel my legs!")

3. Vocare novum novum unus: BMW boasts that driving their cars will give you the thrill of your mid-life crisis. (lit. "Call 9-1-1")

2. Unde an pulpa: It's a cry from all those trendy restaurants now trying to cater to all the people who now want their burgers with no bun. (lit. "Where's the meat!")

and the number one blessing from the corporate world:

1. Carpe piscis: Disney's hope that you'll shell out a paltry twenty-bucks to buy the tenth sequel to Finding Nemo. (lit. "Sieze the fish")

Tell Me All Your Thoughts On Blog.

For some unexplainable reason I'm consumed, lately, with thoughts about two diametrically opposed things... God and finances. They may be related but my Judeo-Christian "programming" and subsequent spiral into a cynical, skeptical abyss prevents me from making any relevant connection.

Over the years I've learned enough theology, philosophy and sociology to understand that a large portion of adults believe in a supreme being, higher power or deity. Me, I just believe in God. Why, you ask? Yeah, I've been asking the same things.

Warning: those who don't want to know that I've questioned my faith and religion stop reading here. You'll be pleasantly unaware that someone who was actually in theological seminary fifteen years ago has, more or less, come full circle. I've added some weird opinions about the state of the world, death and the universe as a whole, but that's more an argument in semantics.

Now why would a man who was so staunchly Christian conservative question the existence of God? I haven't, more accurately I'm questioning the paths that are available to understand and experience God. As a child I was taught and believed that God was an unknowable enigma that just was. No questions asked. Growing up I further was given the instructions that you do what the church tells you, work yourself into a frenzy and don't EVER experience doubt or you'll lose the magic, fall from grace and go straight to the lowest depths of hell. In the thirty six years that I've been alive I've read the Bible, cover to cover, I'd guess about fifty times. At one time or another I had most of it memorized and could quote scripture and verse with the most accomplished of theological students. And yet, what all of that got me was a head full of contradictory and incomplete data and a heart full of longing to experience the world I'd been kept and kept myself sheltered from.

Okay, take all that good, wholesome religious fervor and add an adolescence out of a Stephen King novel, enough stupid mistakes as a young adult to make Charles Manson blush (and go insane AGAIN), toss in two really bad marriages and then stir it all up with undiagnosed manic-depression. It's no wonder I wound up weighing 430+ pounds. Personally, I think I was slated to become a drug addict but the paperwork got lost and I hated seeing what it did to my older brother. Screwed up? You bet.

I asked God for help... what I got was an education that I didn't bargain for. In the last sixteen years I've experienced most of the ups and downs that life has to offer. I've become a father, been nearly killed twice, lost one wife and my kids because I was an idiot, the other wife I lost to another man and, eventually, her illness and death and I've had far too many occupations. For many years my friends jokingly called me "Job" because no matter how bad things got, they would always get worse. I clung to my faith and cried out for help always believing that if I just had enough faith it would all turn out okay. Then, one day, about ten years ago I had a profound revelation...

Shit happens.

No, really. Okay, seriously, I mean it. Actually, what I'm trying to say is that life throws things at you that no one intended. Not God, not man... no one. Life just has a way of happening. It's okay though, because I've also discovered that good exists everywhere and if you look hard enough you'll find it. I'm not trying to throw the whole "divine plan" thing out the window. I look around and I see a design. It's like one of my favorite people to quote, Mark Twain, said,

"None of us can be as great as God, but any of us can be as good."

The evil there is in the world is free to run a rampant and unrelenting charge over each and every one of us. The balance is that good has no limitations, either. Our job, as human participants in the whole affair, seems to be discriminating between the two. It's our burden in order to experience the most amazing aspect of all creation... free will. It gives us a carte blanche to be anything, anyone we choose simply at the effort of our own desire and ministrations. It doesn't mean that we aren't bound to a code of ethics. That's where the finances come in, I guess.

Take any God fearing, red-blooded man or woman and put them in a situation that is hopeless and they'll eventually find that they are tempted to look outside their own understanding and search for the divine. Man lets man down. The world is imperfect and inadequate. Ergo, there must be something else, right? Hello?!?! Is this on?

Well, that's me. I'm desperate. No, I'm not starving, homeless and, GOD FORBID, I haven't lost my internet connection. However, I'm looking at being unemployed, in the classical sense, without insurance and the debts are growing. I know that I'm blessed. Don't get me wrong. I just don't want to lose it. I don't know the hows or whys of things and I don't have the control I've always depended on. It's all going horribly pear shaped! Still, I find the good all around me. Jackie (the most blessed thing in my life), the kids (they love me even though I'm a lunatic... I hope they don't grow out of it) and the opportunity that I have to finally do what I've always wanted to do because of the support that I have from the previously mentioned prisoners, er, circus freaks, uh, victims, DAMN! What I mean is, I'm out on a wire but I feel like I've got a net. It may be an exercise in faith but, when you get down to it, what in life that's worth doing isn't? I just hope that I can start standing up on the wire more instead of spending all of my time clinging to it and mewling like a starving kitten. Only time will tell... and the blogs you people suffer through.

Now it's time for a top ten.

The Top Ten (slightly silly) Reasons To Believe In God:

10. When you look around and see all the beauty wouldn't it be nice to be able to give a little credit to someone... or blame the guilty?

9. After twenty-five years of attending church "religiously" I can sum it all up in one word... afterglow.

8. Have you ever wondered what it would take to prove that he doesn't exist?

7. (drawing again from Twain) People miss the most obvious quality that points to a creator... their laughter.

6. We're not gambling with life, here, the stakes are eternity... I'm going with the safe bet.

5. Einstein said, "When the solution is simple, God is answering." Look around and ask again.

4. You're reading this and thinking about the existence of what, nothing?

3. What if God started doubting your existence?

2. Have you seen this guy's army??? I don't want to piss Him off.

and the number one (slightly silly) reason to believe in God:

1. To err is human, to forgive divine... to point and laugh, inevitable.

F Is For Family... Right?

Why don't family problems get any easier? Take three women, one very unstable, self-conscious and fairly cynical man and four (yes, I said four) cats and shove them into a small apartment. Add an extremely limited budget because of artistic endeavours, disabilities and poor money management skills in both adults. Stir in bipolar disorder(manic-depression), attention deficit disorder(ADD), social anxiety disorder, attention deficit with hyperactivity disorder(ADHD), borderline personality disorder(BPD) and sprinkle various health problems all around(argh). Now, mix in mistakes, biases, teen and pre-teen angst, old emotional wounds, temperamental artistic moodiness, more than one major life crisis per household member and dysfunctional symptoms beyond counting. You'd think that the entire Inland Empire would have been brought to it's collective knees by now. I don't think the Philadelphia Project spawned this much raw ordinance.

This morning I'm just reeling from the backlash of my inability to handle it all with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I want to be a better person, for the love of God and all that's holy! I want the wisdom of the Dalai Lama, the foresight of Nostradamus, the compassion of Mother Theresa, the level-headedness of Siddartha, the social consciousness of the Pope and the patience of Gandhi... and I want it right now, dammit!!! Every time I turn around I'm more angry than I truly should be and sharing it with everyone around me. What the hell?!?!

Let's face it. I'm inadequate. I need to be a super-human superhero. The best I can manage is to be a quasi-human with good intentions. I don't wish anyone harm... but I hurt them anyway. The Buddhists believe that life is suffering, both mental and physical. They also believe that the truest forms of happiness that exist in life are found in friendships and family. It just never occured to me that all of those traits could coexist in the same apartment.

So what do I do? Well, I'm trying to find comfort in the Taoist philosophy of Wu Wei (literally translated: "do nothing") that when you do nothing everything gets done, in it's natural fashion. It refers to the fact that in nature, what I feel is simply an example of the perfection of God's creation, things get done exactly as they were meant to get done. Here's a little excerpt from a favorite tomb, The Tao of Pooh:

"The Wu Wei principal underlying T'ai Chi Ch'üan can be understood by striking at a piece of cork floating in water. The harder you hit at it, the more it yields; the more it yields, the harder it bounces back. Without expending energy, the cork can easily wear you out. So, Wu Wei overcomes force by neutralizing it's power, rather than by adding to the conflict. With other approaches, you may fight fire with fire, but with Wu Wei, you fight fire with water."

In that vain, I have to remind myself that I'm trying too hard. I need to be... just be. That means be myself, be content with life and all it's blessings and try to remember that I'm actually very lucky because I don't deserve the things that I have.

There, I feel better.

Now it's time for a top ten, because I know that education and enlightenment are important to all of you. After all, it is the "rage of enlightenment." (Don't use that... it's been copyrighted by some think-tank in England... I checked.)

The Top Ten Philosophies That Didn't Make It:

10. Skroo Yu: based on the ancient teachings of Scottish free-loaders.

9. Qis Mai Gritz: this may actually have been started by Genghis Khan and the mongol hords but the earliest instances were recorded at a greasy diner in Arizona.

8. What Are You Lookin' At?: pugilistic in nature and started before recorded history, more recently it's practiced widely by people like Sean Penn, John McEnroe and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

7. Oohpz: the eastern mystics postulated that in every social circle there is one person who will inevitably find the most expensive thing in the room and knock it over.

6. Jhusst Schoodt Mi: inevitability in all its permutations can bring even the most robust of us to the conclusion that it's time to get medieval on your own ass.

5. Looz Ehrz: another from the eastern philosophers who studied communal living and discovered that they themselves should really get out more.

4. Mah-Succor: this is a rarely discussed off-shoot from the Islamic practice of "jihad," that literally translated means "struggle" not holy war. Mah-Succor, literally translated, means "I'm suffering from PMS and you've pissed me off."

3. Knodt Mi: from a Welsh phrase that means "know thy self" the philosophy teaches that it's okay to do anything... unless you get caught.

2. Gogh du Hel: in the anals of history there have been so few true philosophies that came out of the French Impressionist period. This one teaches that the annoying earn the right to be relocated to a warmer after-life.

and the number one philosophy that didn't make it:

1. Aye Haight Yu: practiced by the early druids and passed down through all European cultures this philosophy manifests itself amongst teenagers when asking their parents for things they obviously know they can't have.

A Few Words About Time Travel...

Yeah, that last blog about my gastric bypass got a few comments, none of which were terribly complimentary. My favorite was, "Was it as uncomfortable as reading about it?" This time I'm going to go totally cerebral on you. My brain is going extra fast today. It's from strong coffee, lots of reading and doing research because Jackie was just diagnosed with Glaucoma. The most curious thing I've read in the last twenty-four hours is a novel by one of my favorite authors, Clifford D. Simak, about time travel.

How is it possible that this could work? Firstly, time isn't a form of energy, it's entropy. The fact that everything is moving. If everything in the universe stopped moving all at once, then time would, theoretically, cease to exist. Then there's the fact that even if you're standing still you're still moving. The Earth rotates on it's axis, around the sun and moves as part of the Milky Way Galaxy. The universe is always in a state of flux because of expansion... if you're an evolutionist. If you're not, then it's because God designed the universe to be ever changing. Matter and energy are in a constant transfer from one state to another. Movement is only a perception, because, it's all moving dynamically! Einstein stated that matter reaches a certain state of movement where it stretches out to infinity as it reaches the speed of light. So, in order to break that theoretical barrier it would have to change from matter into something else or cross over into another finite existencial state. Why am I rambling about all of this? Who knows? My brain runs away with things. I'm just along for the ride.

Today's top ten is one for the pioneer in us all.

The Top Ten Reasons Not To Travel In Time:

10. There isn't a therapist in the world who would help you get over being laughed at by yourself.

9. If you fail to correct a mistake you already made in the past it means that you're the biggest loser that will ever live. (wrap your cerebellum around that one)

8. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, I'll erase your whole family tree.

7. I don't want to risk bumping into HG Wells.

6. How would you deal with finding out that six months from now you turn into an insurance salesman?!

5. The Butterfly Effect: a butterfly flaps it's wings in Thailand... and your ex wins the lottery, has a perfect tan and drives a convertible.

4. Most people can't follow the directions that come with a microwave... what about a time machine??? ("Hey, what does this button do?")

3. Haven't we already seen this one?

2. One version of reality is tough enough.

and the number one reason NOT to travel in time:

1. One wrong move and Gandhi becomes a dance instructor on Broadway.

A Word About Gastric Bypass.

For those reading this who don't know, I had gastric bypass surgery on November 27th of 2002. I lost almost 200 pounds in just eighteen months and it's been quite a ride, so far. Talking to Jackie today I realized that it's been a bittersweet experience for me. My results aren't exactly textbook even though I reached my goal. I had a lot of conflicting information and have discovered that every person, though totally unique, should abide by a certain core set of rules. Here's a list of things I didn't know before the surgery that I really should have:

1. Every person needs a certain number of grams of animal, not vegetable, protein in order to survive... but that's only survival, not health.

2. Your body can't process the protein you ingest unless balanced properly with the carbohydrates you ingest... but it doesn't have to be in the exact same meal.

3. Calories mean energy... not fat.

4. The more meat is cooked the harder it is for your body to digest... but every type of meat has to be treated extremely differently.

5. No amount of planning or nutritional knowledge can prepare you to make the changes you need to make in your diet... unless it always takes into account your mood, current health, stress, activity level, phase of the moon, sun, Mars in retrograde...

In short, every person, situation, even meal is extremely unique. So trying to say that everything that works for one person will definitely and definitively work for someone else is pure fantasy.

What am I talking about? Well, a little before and after exercise may give you an idea.

Before the surgery I could eat an entire large pizza with several toppings. After I've been able to eat just the toppings from two slices of pizza... on a good day. Normally, that's limited to one slice. The crust will never pass my lips again.

Before the surgery I could eat two large helpings of spaghetti with meatballs. After I'm lucky if I can eat two large meatballs. It depends on if the meat was overcooked, my mood, how well I'm feeling, the spices in the meat, the phase of the moon, sun, Mars in retrograde... you get the idea. One bite too many and the meat will make a quick exit out the entry port. Not fun and worth avoiding.

Before the surgery I enjoyed going to all you can eat restaurants to try and watch the manager turn faint. Now I'm begging the same person to let me order something off the kids or seniors menu or maybe pay by the ounce. You should see the looks I get when I tell them that I can fit more food in my mouth than I can in my stomach.

Anyway, it's all been worth it because I can honestly say that I'm happier with my body than I was two years ago. I miss things like being able to chug a glass of water when I'm thirsty or simply having a slice of bread. What I don't miss is constantly knowing that my body was being destroyed by the excess that it carried. Only time will tell if I've made the best decision for my future.

The Internet In Three Quarter Time...

Let's dance, shall we? I've been doing a lot of it lately. Not in the literal sense, mind you. I'm not some insane Fred Astaire frolicking around like I just drank a case of Rockstar and forced myself into an epileptic episode with a smile on my face. I've been trying to juggle problems at home (big orchestral crescendo) while acting like everything's fine in front of friends, family and occasional saps who have to listen to a grown man cry.

The problem? Let's be blunt... I have to, I have been anything but sharp lately. Hi, I'm Jodie and I'm an asshole. *big "HI JODIE" from the room* It's been a couple of weeks since my last online confession... that's what this is, you know. I get to purge my soul and you get to point and laugh as my pennance. It's the closest thing I have to clergy at the moment, so live with it.

Jackie, the most wonderful woman alive, has had to put up with my moods and lack of interest in just about anything approaching intimacy. Why? Well, I've blamed it on everything but the truth. (A-one-two-one-two-three-four) Let's start with my first excuse. I was depressed because of my situation with being put on disability recently. (side-step left) Then I tried to blame it all on changes in medications. (kick-ball-change) I also tried telling her that I am just having difficulty with being able to separate my work and home life. (slide to the right and hop) When I just couldn't admit to her or, more specifically, myself, the undeniable truth. It's a story as old as time and it smells like it hasn't had a shower in a couple of years. That's right, that horrible smell is... (orchestra hit and drop into the splits for the big finish) FEAR!!! I'm afraid. My anxiety, stress, mania and moody fits have all been over the fact that I'm scared, all the time. I can't face the things that I am so frightened of losing.

Why??? I am with the woman that I know I've been searching for my whole life. Her kids are wonderful and they love me for who I really am. I'm learning to live by my dreams and make the art I have inside of me a reality. I have more freedoms now than I've ever had in my entire life. What the hell is my problem? I'll tell you. It's because deep down I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. I feel as though I'm doomed to blow this whole thing apart, because that's what I've always done. Being in a relationship this intense is like living next to a bonfire. One foot too close and you're consumed by it. A foot the other way and you'll freeze your tail off. My problem is that I just can't seem to sit still in that sweet spot and enjoy the warmth. Instead, I back off and suffer in the cold because I feel like I'm supposed to be miserable. I've been consumed before and had to live with the disappointment of losing it all very quickly. I'm going to be happy, dammit, even if it kills me. God, I sure hope it does... really, really slowly.

Today's top ten is a testament to all of us screw-ups out there. One step at a time, one day at a time, one smashed finger at a time, we're making the world a better place... only with more safety warnings.

The Top Ten Safety Warnings For Screw-Ups:

10. Caution: Do not read this label.

9. Device is designed to be operated by someone else... put it down and walk away.

8. Please sober up, stop whining and find your glasses before touching that switch.

7. Roses are red, violets are blue, you'll be all those colors when this falls on you.

6. Warning: Your IQ is insufficient for walking erect.

5. The manufacturer has already forwarded your address and phone number to a local ambulance company.

4. If accident should occur please videotape it and send it to us so we can laugh at you.

3. Caution: for use only in bed with a champagne spritzer, a copy of the New York Times and a remote control for a TV you don't own any more.

2. Danger: Product can cause hopeless geeks to feel much cooler than they really are.

and the number one warning for screw-ups:

1. Manufacturer is not responsible for loss of confidence, impotence, major emotional issues, foot odor, tidal shift, feline migration, strip mining, lexdysia, uh, aidyslex, er, learning disabilities or marital difficulties caused by the irresponsible purchase of this product.

Blogging gone bad.

I wanted so much to be able to update this blog on a daily basis. So much for good intentions. I'm home full time and I thought it meant that now I was away from my job "rehabilitating" I'd have a great deal more time to pursue my writing and photography. Well, I've been taking pictures... but only while I've been out running errands every day. It seems that everything else has become my full time job. Everywhere I look there is something that needs to be fixed, cleaned, put away, reorganized, labeled, folded... you get the idea. Being home is hard work. So, Jackie, the MOST wonderful woman alive, kindly bought me a new desk and is actively trying to get me to finish resurrecting my desktop computer, that I slightly cannabalized to fix my father's system, once and for all. Once I get that computer up and running it will be my little corner of the world. A small slice of sanctuary in a crowded apartment. Ah, bliss...

"Life is funnier when you are anxiously anticipating the punchline."

- Right Rev. Rap Masta Cornflake

So, here I am thinking about writing, photography and the age old art of making money without being hired by corporate America. So here's a twisted top ten for the blue-collar crowd... we're all in this together.

The Top Ten Reasons NOT To Kill Your Boss:

10. Orange cover-alls have NEVER been in fashion... especially in the exercise yard.

9. It's so important to show respect... without the crosshairs.

8. Because you'll simply be replacing them with someone much more annoying and demanding... that you pay.

7. No one has ever said, "Show them how you feel... with explosives."

6. It's very difficult to forward your mail to a penitentiary.

5. Stalking self-help gurus is much more satisfying.

4. At the office you get cigarette breaks... not broken for cigarettes.

3. Writing a proposal under a deadline is infinitely easier than writing a confession under guard.

2. Pictures of your ass, attached to a resignation, can be enjoyed for years.

and the number one reason NOT to kill your boss:

1. "Yes sir/ma'am" is easier to say than, "Can't we just cuddle?"

A full nest on an empty stomach.

The wayward eighteen year old has come home to roost for a night. She's got to go to court tomorrow morning to deal with a problem with her driver's license. Don't ask. So with all the girls under our roof I'm considering things from a different perspective. Here's a one for parents.

The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear Come Out Of A Child's Mouth:

10. (when asked about something broken) It wasn't me.

9. (referring to a myriad of commands) It's not fair!

8. (when asked about clothing they've obviously soiled) I don't have anything else to wear!

7. (when the older child is given permission) How come they get to do it?

6. (when asked if they've bathed recently) I think so, wait, no, I can't remember.

5. (from a teenager) I hear you say it all the time.

4. (when caught in the act) I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that.

3. (if asked to do work) I don't feel good.

2. (this one is just icky) I think the cat's sick.

and the number one thing you don't want to hear come out of a child's mouth:

1. (HORROR!) Mom, I found this in your nightstand.

Just you and me against the... what the hell is that?!?!

I've been thinking about the things that couples go through. Mostly because I'm going through them... again. So here's a top ten for all you lovers out there.

The Top Ten Rare Conditions Only Couples Contract:

10. MIF: (not Mission Impossible Force) Menstrual Irritation Factor. It's measured in the level of irritation you cause your partner once a month.

9. DASS: Dig And Scratch Syndrome. This gets worse as couples are together because guys grow more comfortable scratching places they should only touch privately.

8. WDYD: Could be "What Did You Do?!?!" but it's actually Why Don't You... Disease. A condition that forces couples to expect the same things they did to each other while they were dating.

7. IHR: I Hate Romance. This one is the cynical symptom of couples who have lost that magical spark... and found it when the fire department arrived.

6. GAFM: Get Away From Me! This can occur at any time for no particular reason.

5. WDYLT: Where Did You Learn That? This is a disorder that can be both blessing and curse. Cook something your partner has never had before, say something you told yourself you'd never repeat or, the most severe case, make the move you've in bed you've never had the courage to try and you could be either hero or villain.

4. INST: I Never Said That!!! This one is usually only contracted by men because most women have the unnerving ability to repeat conversations you had with them years ago, verbatim.

3. DTMML: Does This Make Me Look... It's a twisted trap as old as time. Why do women ask this question of a gender that yells at people on a television screen as though they can hear them? Men will smell their clothing to determine whether or not it can be worn. These same neanderthals will shove mold riddled food in your face and ask, "Does this smell like it's gone bad to you?" You trust their opinion of how an item might alter your appearance?!?!?

2. YOMH: You're On My Hair. My favorite malady because men, for centuries, have thought so much of their masculine prowess until they realize they're just ripping their partner's scalp from their head. Oh yeah, baby...

and the number one rare condition that only couples contract:

1. WTIIT: Who's Turn Is It To... a word of advice to men here... If you're asking the question, it's probably your turn. If the person you love is asking... it's still probably your turn. Just get up and do it, you knucklehead!

The agony of da happy feet...

It's been a bittersweet day... and I want to get this over with quickly.  Today's top ten was inspired by something Jackie thought was funny.

The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear After Visiting The Gym:

1o. Did those pants fit when you came in?

9.  Actually, the limp makes you look kinda sad.

8.  No, I don't think the Sound Of Music soundtrack is appropriate for working out.

7.  Maybe you should consider taking a shower... again.

6.  The doctor will see you now.

5.  I'm afraid that we need to refund the rest of your membership fee, less the damages.

4.  Poor posture, lack of endurance, unhealthy breathing... maybe you should give up the porn.

3.  I'm sorry sir, I thought you were just crank calling 911 from your cellphone.

2.  They call them sweats, not sponges.

and the number one thing you don't want to hear after you visit the gym:

1.  Sure, you look great.  If you're an anemic, injured, senior citizen.

You never know what you'll do...

Fast-food is going to be the downfall of western civilization.  You'll just have to trust me on this.  Where else can you spend $4.99 on substances that can barely be pronounced, encouraged to super-size your ability to clog your arteries at the speed of grease and also get a refill for a quarter?  People are so proud of their ability to provide cheap death in a bun that they put their names all over the stuff... Wendy's, Carl's Jr., McDonald's, Tommy's, etc.  It wasn't called Hitler's they just call it the Holocaust but the casualty rate wasn't nearly as high...

Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored In A Fast-Food Restaurant:

10. Go to the counter and ask if they can "super-size something that's not on the menu."

9.  Randomly ask people if they find the establishment "olfactory."

8.  Wear a cape to the restaurant, jump up from your chair when you're done and run back to your car shouting, "I'll be right there!"

7.  When they bring you your food ask if the "poor, defenseless animal was killed humanely or subjected to the horrors of an anonymous mass slaughter like it didn't even have a soul."

6.  Ask if they offer alternatives to the "kid's meals" with appropriate toys like "Buddhist meals," "Hedonist plates," or "Sado-masochistic sack lunches."

5.  Offer to "autograph" people's napkins.

4.  When people try to sit at the table next to you don't look up from your meal but say, "Stop it.  They can sit there if they want to.  You can't make me do that."

3.  Write "Official Straw Monitor" on a napkin, tuck it in your collar and pass straws out to people.

2.  When the person at the counter asks if they can help you hold up four fingers and shout, "I'm this many!!"

and the number one thing to do when you're bored at a fast-food restaurant:

1.  Leave an anonymous note for the manager saying, "I don't want to alarm you but I think the chair I was sitting in may actually be an exact replica of Malaysian shrine where 500 clowns lost their lives."

Top Ten Mania!

Okay, so tonight I'm trying to produce two top tens because I want to start doing two a day so that I can publish.  I warn you, I'm a little jaded because I've had several days to consider the fact that I'm a recently working stiff trying to compete in a world where everyone wants to be self-employed.  The first is one inspired while actually laughing during a very serious conversation I was having with Jackie.  Sad, but true...
 
The Top Ten Novelty CDs That Just Never Made It©:
 
10. Bodily Noises From The Motion Picture Deliverence.
 
9.  The Cast From "Who's Company?" Sing Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.
 
8.  Don't You Want Me Baby by Sally Fields.
 
7.  Lounge Songs From The Sixties by The Grateful Dead.
 
6.  100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall by Various Artists.
 
5.  Ozzy Ozbourne Mumbles Shakespeare.
 
4.  Binging And Purging To The Hits by Calista Flockhart.
 
3.  Music To Spasm To by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
 
2.  Rick James Sings About His Bitch. 
 
and the number one novelty CD that just didn't make it:
 
1.  Jailhouse Rock by Martha Stewart

 
Okay, and now for Top Ten number two...
 
The Top Ten Names For Celebrity Perfumes You'll Never See©:
 
10. Endorsement: Your name is worth more than you are.
 
9.  Jagged Little Pill: How much can you swallow?
 
8.  Cleavage: I'm up here... hello?!?!
 
7.  Kids And Animals: Hollywood's not that bad... is it?
 
6.  Danger: Put down the crack pipe.
 
5.  Andy Warhol: "There's nothing behind it."
 
4.  Puke: Try not to get it on you.
 
3.  Fifteen Minutes: Save for a rainy day.
 
2.  Purdy: A scent as fleeting as beauty.
 
and the number one celebrity perfume you'll never see:
 
1.  Plastic Surgery: I'm as real as you want me to be.

RIP Ray Charles.

I never met the man but I grieve his passing.  I remember summer nights when I was younger being brought half to tears listening to this soul filled blind man, born in a segregated Albany, Georgia, sing, ironically, the national anthem.  As a young man, Ray represented the tenacity it takes to overcome the steepest of mountains and still maintain the integrity of dreams and the ability to touch people with unbridled sincerity.  What kind of man does it take to bare your soul to millions of people in the painful birthing process of creating a song?  Especially when you know that your music will be criticized, scrutinized and rejected out of hand simply because people don't know how to believe that a successful black man can still have a pure talent.  Ray, you set standards that will remain unchallenged for generations.  Did you intend to change music?  Did you intend to turn the entire musical world on it's ear with your music or did you just write a song because you enjoyed the music?  God speed, Ray.  You've earned your place in the celestial choir.  In fact, I'm hoping that you're enjoying your new found place composing songs that bring God to tears the way yours did for me.

What are you lookin' at?!?!

It's all crude mood and attitude around here lately. I live in a two bedroom apartment with three women. I ask you, wouldn't any sane man have his patience tested in the best of conditions??? Well, I just went from being a regular working stiff to being home twenty-four/seven. Hello? I love each and every one of these women, truly, but when tempers begin to fray and the monthly hormone explosion creates a shockwave that would level the crowd at a World Wrestling Federation match it's difficult not to hide behind a mask of indifference. I've been contributing my own brand of heartless comments without thinking about the sensitive ears listening. As it is, every person in this apartment has had her feelings hurt, several times, and I've said that I'm sorry more times than Oliver North. Family life can be a little hazardous... it's downright extreme when you're bipolar.

Today's top ten, therefore, is going to reflect my current situation...

The Top Ten Things To Install In A Luxury Doghouse:

10. Drool cloth dispenser.

9. High-Definition Smell-o-Vision.

8. Hot & cold running toilet water.

7. Authentic "Chase The Car" treadmill.

6. A.C.M.E. inflatable leg. (for those lonely nights at home)

5. Hydrant with infrared flush-o-matic sensor.

4. Crunchy cat crap vending machine.

3. "Just like the real thing" sun-lamp.

2. Butt-scent spray and sniff station.

and the number one thing to install in a luxury doghouse:

1. Ronco meaty bone burying oven.

What a difference a day makes.

It's too true. One minute you're bitching about how stressed out you are about everything and the next you're being told by your psychiatrist that you can't go back to work... wait, that actually makes sense. This morning Jackie sat down with me and we told my psychiatrist how difficult things have been for me recently. A three and a half to four hour commute and working so far from home. So the doctor told me that he's putting me on disability for three months. Uh, okay, where the hell did that come from?!?! Yesterday I was worried about looking for a job here in the valley and today I'm on disability? Yeah, twenty-four little hours. I can't say that I'm completely relieved but I'm not nearly as worried about finding the time to take care of things. Now Jackie and I can work, in earnest on getting our home-based business things started. I've got ideas for printing and selling some of my photography. She's going to be making hemp jewelry that we'll be selling on eBay, hopefully, and maybe at some of the local "flea market" events. We are going to work very hard on getting the two cookbooks together and ready for pitching to publishing companies. I'm going to gather some editorial type material to see if I can sell some of my writing. Jackie wants me to gather a collection of my top ten lists and possibly put together a book, so you saw it here first! And amongst it all I have time to find a good job nearby. Okay, so maybe the disability won't be so bad. Hey, I worry... it's how I got in this situation in the first place.

So, in that vain, and because tomorrow is my thirty-sixth birthday, today's top ten is going to be about worrying and the art of aging... gracefully... maybe.

The Top Ten Things People Ask When They Realize They're Getting Older:

10. Do chocolate chocolate chip cookies come in decaf?

9. How many calories does sex actually burn, anyway?

8. Is a Last Will and Testament just a way of avoiding a garage sale???

7. Does this job make me look fat?

6. Do my kids need an inheritance as much as I need a red convertible?

5. Why does my laundry look like a medieval torture chamber?

4. Do these pill organizers come in a briefcase version?

3. When is it actually okay to use the words "When I was your age"?

2. How many carbs do vitamins have?

and the number one thing people ask when they realize they're getting older:

1. Is hair really fashion or just lost and found?

Do you know me? You don't know me!!!

1. What time do you get up? 6:AM when I'm working, when I'm not it usually depends on how long the COMA LASTS!
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Jackie, because she's reading this and will kill me if I don't say her. No, seriously.
3. Gold or silver? Golver... no, sild... wait... what's the question?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What the hell is a cinema?
5. What is/are your favorite TV show(s)? Power off and staring at Jackie...
6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee, woven wheat crackers and brie. (It's a rough life, but I don't have a stomach!)
7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with? Any self-help guru... throttling's too good for them.
8. What/who inspires you? Jackie, God gave her to me and she's my favorite, so there.
9. What is your middle name? Slightly-off-center... and Allen
10. Beach, City or Country? Country - fresh air, stars and wild, untamed animals... no, wait, that's the neighbours...
11. Favorite ice cream? Until recently it was peppermint, now it's no sugar added Klondike bars... cold chemical goodness
12. Butter, plain or salted popcorn? Lather and sprinkle it on, baby!
13. Favorite color? Olive green with a hint of "what is that?"
14. What kind of car do you drive? A little white piece of crap that I'm grateful for
15. Favorite sandwich? Cucumber, but I can't have bread
16. What characteristic do you despise? What characteristic... nyah, nyah, yada, yada, yada... Uh, mocking... hate it.
17. Favorite flower? Alstromeria for looks, Gardenia for fragrance and whole wheat for baking
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Back to DC... I wanna live in the Smithsonian...
19. What color is your bathroom? When it's clean, tan-ish... when it's not it's too hideous to open my eyes!!!!!!!!
20. Favorite brand of clothing? Geoffrey Beene, if you must know.
21. Where would you retire to? Grass Valley, CA...
22. Favorite day of the week? Payday
23. What did you do for your last birthday? *hic*
24. When is your Birthday? Monday (no, really)
25. Where were you born? Spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, I think
26. Favorite sport to watch? Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Niners! Woohoo!
27. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? (insert your name here)
28. Person you expect to send it back first? Skippy the wonder hamster
29. What fabric detergent do you use? The white, powdery one with little flecks
30. Coke or Pepsi? diet Dr. Pepper (I like being different, too)
31. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Insomniac, hello?
32. What is your shoe size? 13 wide or 14... I know, I know... Sasquatch borrows my shoes
33. Do you have any pets? 3 cats, 2 kids and one very angry dust bunny that is trying to kill me in my sleep

Usted es a veces el insecto, baby.

Today reminded me of a joke I used to tell a lot...

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits the windshield?

His ass.

I'm also inspired to quote the great Dire Straits song "The Bug"

well it's a strange old game - you learn it slow
one step forward and it's back to go
you're standing on the throttle
you're standing on the breaks
in the groove 'til you make a mistake

(chorus)
sometimes you're the windshield
sometimes you're the bug
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're a fool in love
sometimes you're the louisville slugger
sometimes you're the ball
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're going to lose it all

you gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
because you're gonna know lonely
and you're gonna know bad
when you're rippin' and a ridin'
and you're coming on strong
you start slippin' and slidin'
and it all goes wrong because

(chorus)

one day you got the glory
one day you got none
one day you're a diamond
and then you're a stone
everything can change
in the blink of an eye
so let the good times roll
before we say goodbye, because

(chorus)

Today I'm gonna do the Top Ten Things You'd Never Want To See At Your Own Funeral:

10. A kiosk full of AOL disks. (They're everywhere!!!)

9. Pews with high speed internet access ports. (Just let it go...)

8. A one man protest group. (I want a crowd, dammit!)

7. Casket paid for by product placement. (It worked for Dale Earnhard) (I think I just earned my crowd...)

6. A bouncer enforcing a two dollar cover charge. (Instead, have a three drink minimum!)

5. Any member of Menudo. (New, old, they're all icky.)

4. IRS agents and a state trooper. (Haven't you guys got enough???)

3. Political figures I voted for. (You've disappointed me enough, go away.)

2. Religious people that normally mug you at the airport. (I'm dead, no saving me now.)

and the number one thing you'd never want to see at your own funeral:

1. Three words... Schlitz Malt Liquor! (Don't forget to spill some for me homies!)

I'm outtie! Peace!

Wowzers!

I'm announcing, right here and now, that this is the ring that I want for my fiancée and me. Somehow I'll be able to get it for us. Isn't it beautiful?